2010 Wrap Up, Bloggy-Style

Once again, a review of my first substantial post of each month for the past year.

January - Babies, Babies, Babies!
Today was "Christmas" with my family: two delicious meals - thanks to Frappa, lots of gifts - mostly thanks to the Anonyparents and musical babies - thanks to us, BabyBro and HisLovelyWife.


February - Date Night: The Sequel
I guess I never really reported on our date night a couple of weeks ago, because it segued so quickly into the Night of a Thousand Vomits.


March - Date Night
Peeper visited with Shrike's parents this evening, while we had another date-night-at-home.


April - Easter Egg Hunt
The MOMS Club Easter egg hunt was this morning, and it couldn't have been a more perfect day for it. Peeper didn't totally understand what was going on, but she caught on pretty quickly to the concept of picking up eggs and putting them in her basket.



May - Early to Bed . . . .
This was taken right after I snuck out from putting her down. Note that she went to sleep around 8 pm, which is very early for her.


June - It Takes a Village
A week ago, I opened Facebook and saw, at the top of my newsfeed: "The greatest joy is nursing one's own baby. The second greatest is helping another woman to nurse hers." At the very moment that I read those words, I was pumping milk for our friend MommyA's two-month-old daughter, BabyJ.


July - Bathing Cuties
BabyBro, HisLovelyWife and the twins came into town [we were in Texas] this afternoon and are spending the night. LadyKay, Kiddo1 and Frappa came over as well, for dinner and to exchange gifts for Summer birthdays (Frappa on June 6, BabyBro on June 7, #1 on July 27, Father's Day and the Anonyparents anniversary (53 years on July 6).

 
August - Little Farmer
On Saturday morning, we did a little yard saling. We made a few stops and bought a couple of CDs, some educational software and a Fisher Price Little People farm, complete with several animals (a couple of which aren't actually Little People animals!) for five dollars.

 
September - Home at Last!
Peeper (and we) had a great time at the Children's Museum this morning, then we got on the road around 1 pm, and made it home about 5:30 pm. Peeper did wonderfully with the driving, again. She was asleep before we were even onto the highway (and we weren't far from it when we started!) and slept almost two hours. If I'd had the sense to get gas before leaving Richmond, she would've slept longer, because she woke up when I stopped - which I refused to do until I was down to about one "bar" from the point at which the warning light comes on!


October - Lap Top
We visited Anonygrandma's beauty shop ladies this morning, took a nice long nap, and just hung out around the house for the rest of the day. It was a nice break before our big day tomorrow, when we'll be driving a couple of hours to Houston for DaNiece and DaNephew's big first birthday party!


November - Doctor's Report
Peeper had her two-year well baby child check-up today and it went great. The first bit of excitement was that she now stands up on the big kid scale, with her clothes on, to be weighed. Well, except that I insisted on taking of her very, very heavy sweater when the first weight looked way too high to me. Turns out the sweater weighs 12 ounces, which is not insignificant on a child who is (without the sweater) less than 24 pounds.


December - Christmas Countdown Begins

Today is December 1, so we've kicked off our Christmas Countdown activities! A few weeks ago, we bought an unpainted wooden advent calendar at Michael's - a Christmas tree with little drawers in it - and Shrike, well, she's sort of still in the process of painting it, because she doesn't have a lot of Peeper-free time at home, during which she can work on it, but no matter, we can still open the drawers without paint on them!

Happy Blogiversary

Three years ago today, I decided that I'd been thinking, "Hmm, it would be kind of cool to have a blog," for too long, and it was time to actually do something about it.

At the time, I really didn't have a whole lot going on that seemed "worth" blogging about - I was looking for work, and hoping that I'd have health insurance soon, so we could start getting ready to try to get pregnant - and yet, I blogged about it anyway.

We took the dogs for a walk, and I blogged about it.

I cooked dinner, and I blogged about it.

I went on job interviews, and I blogged about it.

I got the job, and I blogged about it.

I got the insurance, and I blogged about it.

We tried, repeatedly, to get pregnant, and I blogged about it.

We did IVF, and I blogged about it.

I got pregnant, and I blogged about it.

I went into labor four weeks early, and I blogged about it, from the hospital, while hooked up to Pitocin.

Peeper was born, and I blogged about it.

We struggled and struggled and finally succeeded with breastfeeding, and I blogged about it.

Peeper had open-heart surgery, and I blogged about it.

We celebrated her first birthday, and I blogged about it.

She's grown and thrived and become an absolutely amazing all-but-sixteen-month-old, and I blogged about it.

Through joy, and sorrow, and angst and flat-out crazy, I've blogged about it.

I don't know what might be in store for us over the next year, or two, or three, but you can bet I'll blog about it.

Stay tuned.

2009: Year In Review (Bloggy-Style)

The first paragraph from my first substantive post from each month of 2009, complete with links to the full posts, if you want to refresh your memory as to what the hell I was talking about.

January 3 - I Walk the Floor
Peeper's been having some gassy-tummy issues lately. (Does anyone know if she can take mylicon and gripe water at the same time?)

February 1 - Snuggle Bear's Big Adventure
It was a beautiful, sunny, "warm" (50s) day here, so we bundled Peeper up in what we're now calling her "snuggle-bear suit" from Vee and Jay, stuffed her into the wrap (in a new, "big-girl" carry! - mostly because she wasn't very bendable in the suit, so wouldn't go into her usual position) and went for her very first family walk around the neighborhood with the doggies.

March 2 - Overheard: Bye-Bye Bottle Edition
Today, we started "practicing" for Learning Center Online, and for me having to pump while Peeper's not able to nurse during surgery time, and for her doc wanting her to get the first couple of post-op feedings by bottle, so they can monitor her intake.

April 4 - Daily Peep: Out and About
It's a beautiful, sunny day, so Peeper and I took a little walk in our neighborhood. It was still pretty windy and chilly, so we didn't go far, but it was nice to get out for a few minutes.

May 3 - More Practice
So, now that Peeper's introduction to solid food is imminent - We're thinking the end of next week, based on a variety of factors, including banana ripening (It needs to be good and squishy.), our schedules (We have to find a time when we've got nothing else going on for a while, since the first time will be a Big Deal requiring Full Parental Participation - and a bath.), and neuroses too ridiculous to admit (Yes, mine. They are always mine.) - we're thinking we should at least pretend that we're eat-at-the-table kind of folks, because that was one important characteristics of the "better people" who we were supposed to magically become when we had a kid.

June - Trial by Cheese
We've decided that, now that Peeper's seven-and-then-some months old, it's time to do some experimenting to see if she's outgrown her dairy sensitivity.

July 3 - Spoke Too Soon
That Daily Peep photo from the wee hours is of Peeper lying on the floor giggling, after having fallen over backwards.

August 1 - Daily Peep: You Gotta BelieveNine months of breastfeeding. . . and counting.
As you know, Peeper and I got off to a very rough start with breastfeeding, but we hung in there and nine months later, we're still going strong.

September 5 - Whatchu Talkin Bout, Peeper?
A couple of days ago, Peeper and I were having a snack, and a chat. I said, "I love you," to which she responded "Ah-la-ya."

October 2 - It's Go-Time!
I heard from BabyBro a couple of hours ago, saying that SIL would be induced as soon as the perinatologist stopped by and signed off on it. He was expecting them to start within the next hour or two.

November 2 - Apple Cinnamon Pancakes
Okay, the kid's a year old. Maybe it's time to start getting our shit together around here.

December 3 - Daily Peep: Jolly Old St. Nick
Peeper and I went to visit Santa Claus this evening. Given the way she generally reacts to anyone other than me or Shrike holding her, I was kind of expected to come home with an official Bad Santa Photo, but she did amazingly well.

I'm a Freakin' Genius

I just sent the following email to ParentHacks.com.

This is probably not an original idea, but just in case it is, I thought I'd send it in.

After Thanksgiving dinner at my inlaws, I put my 13-month-old daughter down for a nap in their bedroom.

I didn't want to shut the door, because we wouldn't be able to hear her, but I knew we'd wake her up if we left it open.

What we needed, of course, was a baby monitor, but they don't have one - so I improvised.

I called my partner's cell phone from mine, put them both on speaker, and muted my microphone. Then I put her phone in the bed with the baby and left mine open on the table where we were all sitting. We could hear the baby but she couldn't hear us.

Calls to each other are free, so we weren't even using any minutes!

Enmeshed / Outmeshed?

Shrike and I often joke that we "are the same person," or at least that there's only one brain cell that must be shared between the two of us.

Peeper's probably just now starting to get the idea that she and I are separate people, and I've often caught myself thinking in ways that tell me I feel like we are one and the same.

So, this one caught me by surprise:

A couple of nights ago, Shrike and Peeper were in bed and I'd gotten back up to have a snack. I'd finished and was messing around on the interwebs when I heard Peeper crying.

I rushed back into the bedroom, unhooking my bra as I went, and did not actually say, only because I figured she was more likely to get really awake if I spoke, but thought, and almost said, "It's okay honey, here we are."

Here we are.

As in, me and my boobs.

Mama's Got a New Toy!

As you might have noticed, I use my digital camera alot.

Which means that any tiny little annoying thing about it is magnified times a zillion photos of the kid per day times hormones times just-missed really cute smiles times the camera is mine, so if it's Shrike that's annoyed by it, it's all my fault.

The thing is, the camera we've been using was a really good one - eight years ago.

Anonydaddy is quite the digital photographer, and quite the techie-gear-lover, so he gets the newest and the bestest of everything (including cameras) when it comes out, and then he give his kids the hand-me-downs when he upgrades.

We've got two of his old cameras that we've been using, but they each have their little idiosyncracies - like weak batteries, and slow shutter response, and having to turn it back on after each shot, and not being able to get the flash to work quite right and, well, to be honest, they are much smarter than we are.

They are really nice, fancy cameras with all sorts of bells and whistles that we don't really know how to work, nor do we have the time or patience to learn, when we really just need to record for posterity that really cute thing that Peeper is doing right this very mo . . . aw crap, she stopped doing it.

So, we've been thinking about getting a new point-and-shoot digital (since that's all we do anyway), and have been doing a bit of research on what's out there these days, but I've been worried about downgrading the quality of images that we're getting, not to mention feeling really guilty about it seeming unappreciative that we've got these great, fancy, free cameras from Anonydaddy, and we're going to replace them with an El Cheapo, and possibly El Crappo model.

So I thought maybe I should look up the specs on the cameras we've been using, for the sake of comparison.

The Nikon Coolpix 5000 that I usually use was evidently super hot shit when it came out. In 2001. It was actually only one of about four cameras available then that would shoot at 5 megapixels.

And the Canon EOS DS6041 was even fancier-schmancier a few years later, with its 6.3 megapixels.

So I guess this little 10 megapixel number for $125 will probably be okay, then?

Oh, yes. You know I got the cobalt one!

True, it doesn't do nearly as many tricks as those others, but I think it will do the trick for us, and hopefully this one won't be smarter than we are.

Happy Blogiversary (a little late!)

A few minutes ago, I bopped back to the beginning of the blog, looking for an old photo and thought, "Ah yes, I started blogging in February. . . Hey! It's February now! Oh no, I missed it!"

Well, it turns out that my first post (other than some old stuff transferred from a previous website) was on February 25, 2007 - so I only missed it by a day!

Not bad, says I!

On this occassion, I want to take a moment to take all both my readers, especially the handful of you who are "following" me. I feel so special!

When I started blogging, I had no idea how often I would actually manage to post, or for how long, but I figured I'd give it a shot.

I certainly never imagined two years worth of daily posts, or that I'd be mobile blogging from my hospital bed while in labor!

And, although I knew that we were hoping to start trying to conceive soon, I really never expected to go from just-some-generic-dyke-writing-about-whatever to TTC blogger to pregnancy blogger to, oh-dear-Lord, "Mommy Blogger" or, for just a veerrry short while, mah-poor-sick-baybee blogger.

It's amazing how much blogging has become a part of my mindset, to the point that as soon as anything interesting (or not) happens in my life, my first thought is often "I'm just gonna have to blog about that!"

I'm also surprised at what a great log of my day-to-day activities the blog has become. Anytime I wonder when something happened, or exactly what happened (within the past two years) I can just look it up!

And, of course, it's the easiest way for my friends and family to keep up with our daily doings, especially now that Peeper's here, and especially for those who are far away and don't get to see her very often.

Looking back through the blog is also great for reminding myself just how far we've come in the past couple of years, and for putting things in perspective, when I see exactly what I was thinking and feeling in the past.

Which brings me to thing I love most about blogging - it is incredibly therapeutic. To write about what I'm feeling, I have to first think through what I'm feeling and process it and sort it out and come to terms with it, at least on some level.

That's something that I wouldn't necessarily be doing a lot if I weren't trying to put it into words for the blog.

It seems very strange that writing for all the world to see has helped me to see myself more clearly but, oddly enough, it has.

So, although it's a day late, Happy Birthday to You, Oh Blog-O-Mine, and Many Happy Returns!

Baby Questions

All new parent have questions, I'm sure. These are some of mine.

1. What is she dreaming about, and why does the plot move so quickly?
   
2. When she laughs in her sleep, is it at us or with us?
   
3. What exactly am I supposed to do with her, when she's not nursing, sleeping or getting her diaper changed? It seems like there should be some sort of educational or mentally-stimulating activity going on. Or is it okay to just stare at her?
   
4. Where the hell is she putting all that milk? Does she have a little teeny hollow baby-leg?
   
5. Does she have freakishly short arms? We have to turn up the sleeves on almost everything she wears, even when the legs seem to be okay. (Our little baby T-Rex!)
   
6. How does she get so much fuzz between her teeny little toes in one day, when she's wearing a completely non-fuzzy outfit?
   
7. Are you sure that we can't "spoil" her yet? Because we're trying our damnedest.
   
8. How long is our window for bumbling around before she starts remembering our screw-ups?
   
9. What is so damn fascinating about ceiling lights?
   
10. What's with the poopy-dancing? I've seen the poop. How hard can it be to get that out?
    
11. Acoustically speaking, how is it possible for an 8-ish pound baby to burp as loudly as a grown man?
    
12. Ditto for the farts.
    
13. Furthermore, where does she store all that gas and poop before it comes out? No wonder her little tummy seems to hurt sometimes.
    
14. Are you sure she's not flipping us off? She certainly seems to stick that finger out a lot.
    
15. Will she grow up to love licorice (gripe water) and bubblegum (Captopril) flavors or hate them?
    
16. Is it bad that we change her diaper probably once an hour all day long, but then not at all during our sleeping hours? (Her butt's not red, so I say let sleeping babies lie, but that diaper sure is heavy by morning.)
    
17. Seriously? You're hungry? Again?
    
18. At what point should we stop assuming that she has no idea what we're saying, and start spelling the bad words?
    
19. How could we possibly be so lucky?

Post #1000

Holy crow, this is my one thousandth post!

(That's just the "real" posts since I started this blog on February 25, 2007, not counting the older stuff transferred from my previous website or the blogrolls or my baby-making archives or stuff like that.)

I'm almost certain that I've posted at least once everyday, although I will admit to occassionally back dating something that I didn't actually write until the wee hours of the morning the next day.

Um, like this post, actually.

Not bad, considering that includes the past month - when I had a baby. And spent six days in the hospital. And had a newborn at home.

On my first blogiversary, I proposed to give "awards" to some of my more memorable posts, based on reader nominations, but no one nominated anything, so I guess none of them were really that memorable.

But I remember them, so here are my nominations for the first annual (although a bit delayed) Whozzie awards. Please vote for your favorites in the comments.

• Stop! You're Cracking Me Up! (Funniest Post)
  The Need to Bleed
  Stupid Wife Pet Tricks
  
  
• Quick! Pass the Insulin (Sweetest / Sappiest Post)
  Happy Birthday, Shrike
  Some/Thing Borrowed
  Ten Years Ago Today. . .
  Happy Birthday, Shrike!!!
  Two Weeks
  
  
• Oh No She Didn't! (Most Outrageous Post)
  The Need to Bleed
  
  
• TMI! TMI! TMI! (Most Over-Sharing Post)
  The Need to Bleed
  Peeper's Birth Story
  
  
• Do You Email Your Mama With That Keyboard? (Most PG-13 Post)
  Oh dear, that could be any of them!
  
  
• I Hear Ya, Sister! (Post to which you can most personally relate)
  Well, obviously, I can personally relate to all of them, so I'll leave this one for the readers to decide!
  
  
• Would Ya Look At That! (Best Photo)
  Wordless Wednesday #1: Yin and Fang
  Wordless Wednesday #16: Just Bee-Cause
  I've Been Holding Out on You
  Wordless Wednesday #56: Little Peeper
  Peeper Report: 31 Weeks, 6 Days
  Peeper Photos: Days 1 - 3, OB Ward

Overwhelmed

I realized something today. Well, I suppose I've known it for a while, but I just managed to put it into actual words today. 

Between work and politics and home and Shrike and preparing for Peeper and planning for paying the bills once Peeper's here and growing Peeper and oh-my-God-Christmas-is-looming, I am doing way too much. 

And I'm really not doing any of it very well, at all. 

I've somehow managed to get myself on the wrong side of the powers that be at work twice in two days. And I wasn't even there yesterday. 

I've got several people taking up slack for things I ought to be doing for this election that's happening in holy-shit-two-weeks. 

Shrike's doing pretty much everything around the house (although that's not really news). 

We should probably get Peeper's crib assembled, huh? And buy a mattress for it. (I've actually got high hopes for a shower guest coming through with that!) And what's this I hear about packing a bag for the hospital? 

I've got things almost arranged to work for Learning Center Online, but the hours they are offering are all while Shrike is at work. How the fuck do I do that? 

Last night, I finally did some research and applied for a few other similar positions, but some of them seemed a bit fly-by-night. 

And we absolutely must figure out what our Christmas budget is, so we can get crack-a-lackin' on the shopping and get it done before Peeper gets here.

But, you know, blogging and such is a much more productive use of my time than any of that stuff.

Looking Back: One Year Ago

One year ago today:
I saw my first negative pee stick. Followed by a technically-in-the-positive-range-but-way-way-way-too-low beta the next day, followed by a negative beta a couple of days later. Indicating a chemical pregnancy - "Zippy the Zygote" had indeed been created, and even implanted, but that was it.

Today:
I am 23 weeks, 4 days pregnant, and Peeper is a dancin' fool.

One year ago tomorrow:
Was my last day as Director of Education at the OldWorkTown Center, before starting as Director in NewWorkTown.

Two days ago:
I turned in my letter of resignation, giving roughly four months notice that I won't be returning after Peeper is born.

One year ago next week:
At our annual Democratic picnic, I was miserable, having awful cramps, and telling myself that it was just the prometrium that was making them so much worse than usual. Since then, I've had four more post-prometrium periods, and they weren't nearly so bad. It was Zippy.

Today:
At our annual Democratic picnic, I wore my "Mama for Obama" button, was asked at least ten times, "How are you feeling?" and discussed baby shower plans with a friend who's offered to host one for us.

What a difference a year makes.

Nothing to Report

Well, I'm sitting here wracking my brain to think of something rivetting to write about this evening, and I got nothin'

We saw Dr. T this morning, and that's none of your damn business, went to work and there's nothing newsworthy there, had a meeting this evening which involved way too much discussion about way too many details of way too many things, came home, watched some TV, and that's about it.

So I'll shut up now.

The Unibrain

Recently overheard on our couch:

Whozat: Something smart-assy, I'm sure

Shrike: Thump, thump

Whozat: Ow! Why did you thump me on my head?

Shrike: You're a melon-head. I was checking to see if you're ripe.

Whozat: Are you going to thump on my belly like that, when it's all big and fat?

Shrike: Because Peeper is a POW?

~ Pause ~

Together: Prisoner of the . . . WOMB!

I'm said it before, and I'll say it again: This is why I love her.

Overheard in Our Bed Last Night

(Oh, get your mind out of the gutter!)

Shrike: What are you thinking about?
Whozat: I was wondering whether my blog audience is getting tired of hearing about my ass.
Shrike: Who?
Whozat: My blog audience.
Shrike: You mean your mom and LadyKay and Toni?
Whozat: Yeah, them.

An Even Bigger Dork Than Previously Reported

A few weeks ago, when I bought this necklace, I wrote a check for $11.66, for it and the candle that came with it.

This evening, as I was balancing the checkbook (shudder) I noticed that only $11.00 had been withdrawn from our account.

Evidently, either the store's bank or ours misread my handwriting. (Easy to do.)

So I'm mailing them 66 cents in change.

Because, you know, what if the baby mojo doesn't get activated until it's fully paid for?

What Color Are You?

I stole this from Toni. These kinds of quizzes are usually kind of dumb, but this is based on choosing which words best describe you, so it sort of makes sense. I think mine is quite accurate, and Shrike's fairly accurate.

Whozat

You Are Aqua #00FFFF

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Shrike

You Are Steel Blue #4682B4

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is medium - You're not the most decisive go-getter, but you can get a job done when it's required of you. You probably don't think the world can change for you and don't want to spend too much effort trying to force it. Your outlook on life is brighter than most people's. You like the idea of influencing things for the better and find hope in situations where others might give up. You're not exactly a bouncy sunshine but things in your world generally look up.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Finally Friday

Man, this going to work five whole days in a week thing sucks.

Especially when I feel like poopie, like have this week.

But, it's Friday and I think I might be on the up-swing, healthwise, so maybe I'll survive, after all.

And that is, truly, all the creativity that I can muster this evening.

Good night!

Dream a Little Dream of Pee

For as long as I can remember, I've had this recurring dream - well, I have a variety of recurring dreams, but I'm only talking about one right now.

In these dreams, I need to pee, but can't find an acceptable place to do so.

Every bathroom that I find either has insufficient privacy, or it's all gross, or it's occupied or something else is wrong with it.

Invariably, when I wake up, I realize that I really do have to pee.

I figure it's my subconscious mind's way of reacting to the sensation of needing to pee, but then putting on the brakes because, even subconsiously, it knows it can't let me actually pee in the bed.

(Whew!)

So, why in the hell would I be telling all the interwebs about these crazy dreams?

(Although, they're not so crazy, are they? I mean, doesn't everybody have these dreams?)

Anyway, the reason I'm oversharing is that I just had to write about the novel variation on this theme that I experienced this morning.

In this dream, I did need to pee, but instead of being unable to find an acceptable toilet, I kept being thwarted, in one way or another, from doing a home pregnancy test.

First, I dreamed that I took a test that developed three lines instead of two, so I wasn't sure if that was a positive or not, and I wanted to retest to confirm.

I don't remember all the specifics, it being a dream and all, but one thing after another kept stopping me from doing the second test.

Man, if my waking obsession with baby making is going to intrude my dreams, couldn't it be something more fun, like that one I had last cycle, about feeding the cute little baby boy that I hadn't had yet?

I'm Okay, Really

In addition to what they've each posted here, I've heard directly from both my sister and my mom today. They seem to be concerned by what I posted yesterday about feeling so overwhelmed.

So, I thought I ought reassure not only them, but all both my fans that, overall, I really am doing fine.

I'm not getting a damn thing done outside of work, and maybe I'm a bit hormonal, but in the grand scheme, I'm mostly okay.

I really think the overwhelmed feeling is primarily because there is only so much "me" to go around, and the majority of "me" is being used up by trying to learn this job and obsess over baby-making all at the same time.

The extra progesterone probably was not particularly helpful (nor will it be again in a couple of weeks).

To a large extent, though, I think that I just need to kick my own ass a bit and make myself do some stuff that's really not all that hard, after all (it takes, what, 2 minutes to empty the dishwasher?!) and get back into the habit of not being a lazy bum.

When I went back to work, I cut myself a lot of slack about other things, and let them slide. I think it's time to suck it up and realize that there's only so long I can milk "I've got a new job. It's hard. I'm tired. Whah whah whah."

I do like my sister's suggestion of trying to get out and walk the dogs with Shrike more often. We were talking about it this evening, and I think we're going to try to do that in the mornings, at least on the days that I go into work later.

It's exercise and sunshine and a chance for us to be together and to talk without some screen competing for our attention. It also means she wouldn't have to walk them alone, which I know is a challenge.

Also, now that I've sort of got my new work schedule figured out (more or less) I called and made us an appointment with Dr. T for August 27. I was hoping we could get in sooner, but her schedule and ours just didn't line up before that.

We've not seen her in a while (since before the last cycle began) so we've got quite a bit of catching up to do, in addition to talking about this and everything that's going on right now.

Maybe we should have made a two-hour appointment?

Overwhelmed

That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.

When I first went back to work at the end of April, it made sense that I was overwhelmed, what with getting used to actually getting up and going to work all day again, commuting an hour each way, meeting new people, learning a new job and so on.

Now, it makes sense that I'd be overwhelmed all over again, what with the new position, meeting all new people, learning new job functions, the increased responsibility, dealing with people complaining to me about things that happened before I got there and decisions someone else made, and all that.

The catch is, though, that I'm not overwhelmed again; I'm overwhelmed still.

I never got underwhelmed. Or regular-ass-whelmed. Or whatever.

Since I went back to work, I've not done a damn thing around the house, I've cooked maybe twice, I've fallen totally "off the wagon" about saving money, and I have been pretty generally useless, beyond going to work and coming home.

Oh, yeah, and that trying to make a baby thing. I guess that's probably a factor.

I was trying to explain this to Shrike - and to put it into words for myself - the other day, but I couldn't quite make sense of it.

It's not depression (been there, done that, this is different) it's just that, I guess, between the new job (and then the new new job) angst and the baby-making angst, and top it all off with a big dollop of hormones, it just feels like I don't have much energy - physical, psychological or otherwise - left for much of anything else.

Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of things that fall under that category of "anything else" that I really ought to be doing, but I just can't quite get it together for.

It feels like "Hey, I've got these two things I'm dealing with right now how dare you expect me to give a shit about x, y or z?"

But x, y, or z may well be something I've promised somebody I'd do (like a certain website that I've started on but have been stalled for a while), or may be necessary to the basic functioning of the household (like sink full of dishes or a stinky litter box) or getting out from in front of the computer for a few minutes to spend some quality time with Shrike.

The past three months have just felt like one long string of "I just can't deal with that right now," alternating with, "Oh shit, I've got to deal with that right now!"

At which point, I still don't necessarily deal with it. But I feel guilty about it.

So, you know, that's progress.