Thankful: Day 10

I have to give credit to Shrike for reminding me of this one.

A day or two ago, Peeper opened the fridge (and freezer - when did she get tall enough to do that?!) and said something about how we have no room in there, or it's all full-up, or it's a big mess, or something.

To which Shrike replied, "Yes. Aren't we lucky that we have all that food to eat."

Yes, we are, and thank you, Sweetheart, for that reminder.

There's nothing I would rather be doing than being Ellie's Mama, and I am very thankful to have had the opportunity to do that full time for more than four years, and almost full time since then. We may struggle at times, and we often worry about our finances, and we can't afford to buy every little thing we want, but we do have everything we need, much of it in abundance.

Everything Else

Yes, yes, the staycation photos are coming, but first I thought I'd take a minute to sit down and write about all the stuff that I've not taken the time, or made the effort, or wanted to think about enough to write about over the past, oh, month or so.

Basically, we've been stressing here over a variety of issues, starting with the fact that we're about broke. Not can't-buy-food, gonna-lose-the-house broke, but shopping-at-Aldi-and-clipping-coupons, about-to-use-the-second-mortgage-to-pay-the-first broke. Which is way too broke for my taste.

I know we've been damn lucky to have made it this long without a real income from me, and we couldn't have done it without significant help from my parents, and from some lucky timing on a few different things that have come through just when we needed them.

In fact, every time we've been thisss far from having to start using that home equity line of credit to pay for basics like mortgage and medical and oh shit, how much did we spend on groceries this month? we've had something work out just right to save us for a bit, to buy us a little more time.

But this time, we're looking at about three weeks to an empty savings account, and not a lot promising on the horizon.

I am doing some web design work, and at a great hourly rate, for which I am very grateful, and without which we wouldn't have made it this long, but it's just not enough hours to cover what we need.

And, I have the online store, and it brings in some money, but again, not nearly enough.

So, wrapped up in the same stress about what I need to do to bring in more money, is the question about school for Peeper. When we first started really stressing about the money, I was also worrying about whether we were doing the right thing by not sending her to preschool this year, but now that she says she wants to go, I'm worried about how we're going to pay for it, and whether it's an extravagance, given our current situation.

And we're not at all certain exactly what she might be doing in a couple of years, for kindergarten or beyond. We have lots of options on the table, including the neighborhood public school, the local Montessori, and the local school district's co-enrollment virtual academy. Of course, every option has many pros and cons, and many things that we feel like we should be doing now! right now! to get her (and us) prepared.

The school question is very wrapped up in the financial question, because for every option, we have to consider some combination of factors like the possibility of tuition (with or without financial aid), the feasibility of me continuing to not work full time, the limitations on our family time because of Shrike's work schedule, and so on, and of course the answers to each of those questions are in directly conflict with each other!

To some extent, I feel a bit less pressure about that since she's expressed an interest in going back to Mother's Day Out in the fall (in three weeks, actually!), in that at least I'm not worrying that she should be going, and we will begin to get a feel for how she does in a sort of "traditional" (albeit play-based) classroom., and whether or not that looks like a good fit for her, and she will begin to get used to being away from us for longer periods (that's the part we're worried about, of course, given how it went last time around).

But, as I said, it just adds to the financial pressure, because there's another hundred-plus bucks a month (and more next year, if we go to three days, as we probably would) that we don't have.

Oh, and she says that she does want to take dance class again, so that's another thirty-something a month, plus how many pairs of shoes for her feet that seem to be a new size every week these days.

Yeah, I don't think I can clip that many coupons.

So, the best (least unacceptable) "solution" that we have been able to come up with is for me to start substitute teaching a few days a week.

Well, actually, our first choice was for me to do more web design work, so I hit up a couple of different companies, hoping to pick up at least some of their overflow or maybe even a part-time position, and found out that they had both just hired new developers. Day late and a dollar short, as usual.

So, back to the subbing thing. I started filling out the online application, and before I'd even gathered and submitted all of the materials, they called me to set an appointment for filling out paperwork, which I did today.

School starts on Monday, but I still have a few more hoops to jump through before I can actually start teaching, including the drug screen, which I can do just about any time, and a physical including a TB test, which I may not be able to get for a couple of weeks, unless I can grab one of those last-minute appointments that the doctor's office fills at 7 am.

This is far from an ideal solution - hell, it's far from a solution - because even working three days a week, I won't make enough to fully cover what we need (and I really don't want to work more - if I were going to work full time, I'd do something that paid more), we haven't quite figured out how I'm going to manage even that, logistically, because Shrike needs to leave for work around 2:15 pm, and the secondary schools dismiss at 2:50. Even if I were at the one closest to our house, it would be hard to get home before 3 pm.

Shrike's parents say that they can watch her for that hour or so of overlap, but they are pretty busy and it's hard to line things up with them ahead of time, let alone getting a call at 7 am, as is pretty typical when you're subbing.

I'm sure we have friends who would offer to help, and if it were a one-time thing, I'd take them up on it, but it's going to be multiple times a week (assuming I get as much work as we need me to) and I wouldn't feel right about that unless I were paying them and, oh hey, there's even less money that I'm bringing home.

I'm also just not thrilled about the prospect, in general, because I hate the idea of being away from Peeper three days a week, even if two of them are the days that she's in school. Of course, it makes sense to try to work those days, rather than when she's home, but I feel like I'm going to miss out on a lot if I'm not there for the drop-offs and pick-ups on most days.

And then, there's that whole thing about how I taught for nine years and quit because I kind of hated it. I love teaching people things (which I was reminded of when I was at the Learning Center), but I really did not enjoy pretty much everything else about being a public school teacher.

Some of that will be better as a sub (if one kid is a little shit, you don't have to see him day in and day out, and no preparation or grading to do) but some will be worse (all the kids are little shits for a sub, and walking into a classroom completely unprepared every day).

Right now, we don't really see any other solution, though, so I guess that's what we're going to do for the time being. I have to keep reminding myself that subbing is not like a full time position, and I'm not committed for the entire school year. If something else works out, or if we just can't make it work for our family, I could quit at any time.

So, I'll start subbing (although I still don't know how we're going to juggle that hour in the afternoon), and Peeper will go to Mother's Day Out (and hopefully handle it better than she did in the spring), and in December, we'll apply for financial aid with the Montessori school, just to see if that is an option, and I guess we'll just have to use some of the line of credit to cover our expenses, as needed, and hope that we don't get in too deep.

If I do go back to work full time in a couple of years, our first order of business will be to put any leftovers from my paycheck into paying that back down, and then worry about building back up some savings.

So that was the big stress from a few weeks ago, which has certainly not been eliminated, but is a little more
resolved-ish now that the subbing and MDO issues are sort of decided, but over the past, well, I don't know, forever? it seems that between those sorts of things, and my web design work and my MOMS Club responsibilities, and Peeper and trying to keep the house from getting too out of hand, and trying to put food on the table a few times a day with a variety of fruits and veggies, and shopping for said food, and hell, I don't know, breathing, it just seems like everything, every. damn. thing. is just so fucking much.

I have too much to do to even see where to start, and even when it's clear what needs to be done, it's just so overwhelming.

A couple of weeks ago, I talked to Dr. T about it and asked her, "Is something wrong, or is this just me? Can I just not handle all this, am I just that lazy, or am I depressed? I don't feel sad all the time, and I'm not unable to function, I'm just completely fucking unmotivated, and unproductive and overwhelmed. Should I consider an anti-depressant? How bad does it have to be for medication to help?"

Her answer was, "I think you're there."

So, as soon as we got home, I called my doctor's office and, would you believe, she was able to see me that afternoon. I had to take Peeper with me, so we didn't get into too much discussion, but she did agree that I would probably benefit from the medication, and by evening, I had a dose of Wellbutrin in me.

The next day, I set only one goal: To get the sink emptied. Several hours and four dishwasher loads later, it was finally done, and I have been able to pretty much stay on top of that, which is great.

It's only been a couple of weeks, so I don't know that I'm really feeling the effects of the medication yet, but it has helped somewhat do just know that I am officially "not just lazy" and that "help is on the way."

During our staycation, I felt better than I have in ages, I think because I was completely ignoring all those responsibilities and commitments, not even answering the phone or checking emails, so all I had to think about was Shrike and Peeper and what fun thing we were going to do next. It was wonderful, and as much as I loves mah Interwebs, it was actually kind of hard to turn that computer back on, knowing that all those things would be waiting for me.

Over the past couple of days, I've been so-so. The house is a big mess (but not the sink, so that's something, right?) and I just finally got a big MOMS Club thing taken care of that I probably should have done a few days ago, but I've also been trying to limit our (Peeper's and my) screen time (although I've cheated a bit with my phone today), and not had "computer time" until right before dinner.

Amazingly, she's taken it pretty well, and both nights she chose a half-hour Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and actually got up and walked away when the episode ended, rather than that "I told you one more!" (after already watching way too many) that I was getting last week.

So that's meant a bit of a reprieve from the pressure of feeling like a have to respond to and deal with everything immediately, and also it's meant that I'm actually spending more time interacting with Peeper (even if it's just hanging out reading or something while she plays independently), rather than both staring at our respective computers.

This morning, in fact, Shrike went to check her email to make sure that it was okay for her to go into work a bit late, because my paperwork appointment was at 2 o'clock, and when Peeper saw her, she said, "But Mommy, all the computers are off!"

I don't know how long that will last, or what rules we'll settle into, but for now, it's been a bit frustrating at times, but probably a good thing, overall.

But still mostly overwhelmed by pretty much all of the above.

I wish I thought the medication were going to put money in the bank, clean my house, or solve all our other dilemmas, but maybe it will at least give me a little better grip on handling all those things.

I sure hope so.

What A Day

We started with a MOMS Club meeting this morning, where I turne din my baked goods and collected canned good for a food drive that - whoops - isn't actually happening until next month!

Then, off to the bank, where I actually had the required paperwork this time, and was able to open a business account, (Yay!) and get $100 cash / change for this evening's expo.

Then, to Dr. Tara's office, where we arrived about five minutes late, and Peeper immediately crawled into my lap to nurse, fell asleep and slept through the entire session. (Yay! again)

Then, since Peeper was well-rested, we had lunch at Red Robin, then home for an hour or two, until Shrike's parents picked her and Peeper up to go visit her grandparents.

Then, I worked on the store website a bit, put on my fancy pants (and my beautiful, expensive sweater that Anonymama bought for me while I was in Texas - thank you!) and headed over to the Home Business Expo, which went really well.

We had quite a few people there (mostly, but not all, members) and the preliminary reports look like we should have a significant donation for the riding center.

I know that the bake sale brought in about $130 (and still had tons of stuff left - we gave a bunch of it to the firefighters), and I heard from some of the other vendors that they were looking at good donations from their profits.

For my part, I made three actual sales - two sets of these amazingly soft wash cloths / diaper wipes, to two different people, and four wet bags to one mom (she has five kids, and plans to use them for wet bathing suits and such) - and two people are probably going to buy carriers from me next week.

If those come through, I should be donating about $75, which is pretty damn good for a couple hours work, I think.

(Hahaha - as if there weren't plenty more hours that went into it! But you get the idea.)

Now, I just have to reshelve all the merchandise that I took, finish getting the website put together, buy some more merchandise, figure out how to go about sending sale tax money to the state, do some advertising . . . .

Making a Withdrawal

Me and Peeper nursing at the credit union, while opening her first savings account.

She has a whole $15 in it. Plus $25 in a CD which will mature just before she turns seven.

She and Shrike were with me because we were also supposed to be opening a business account for the store.

(It will be a joint account with Shrike, so I needed her signatures. I did not need her signature for Peeper's account, because they only allow one adult on a custodial account. Which is ridiculous. What would stop me from running off with all Peeper's money? I mean, you know, other than morals. And the fact that it's not enough to make it to the state line. And we live really close to the state line. But, I digress . . . .)

But, the bank wanted some paperwork that I didn't have (well, most if it, it turns out, I did have at home, but not all of it) so I have a call in to my lawyer to find out what a docketing statement is and where I can find it, and I will try again when I get that.

In the meantime, I'm hoping that no potential customers are scared off by PayPal telling them that their money is going to my personal email address.

Secret Project #2 Revealed

Remember a few months ago, when I was hinting around about our baby#2 plans, and then mentioned another big possible project on the horizon?

Well, that one has just about come to fruition.

I am buying DoulaK's online store, Mom And Baby Naturally!

Over the past several months, as I've been trying to figure out how to bring in enough money to cover the mortgage and "unexpected" expenses that we're not currently paying out of Shrike's paycheck, I had an idea what I was looking for, but not sure how to make it happen.

As I told LadyK once, "I need a way to make money from home, on the Internet, at weird hours, with Peeper making noise in the background. I could sell stuff, but I'd want it to be stuff that I care about. I'd love to sell the kind of stuff that DoulaK sells, but I would never want to compete with her."

So, when I asked DoulaK for another washable diaper pail liner and she said, "I can't get any more. We're shutting down the store," I immediately began thinking about whether I was up for buying it.

After talk with Shrike about it, I ran the idea past DoulaK and she said that she's love to sell it, rather than shutting down, because she'd hate to see all her and her mom's hard work go to waste.

So, here we are.

Today, DoulaK's mom brought over most of the merchandise and signed the papers, and tomorrow DoulaK will come over and drop off a few more things, sign the contract and leave with a big ol' check.

Then I have to get to work organizing the merchandise in our basement and updating the website. I didn't buy their entire inventory, so I have to delete a bunch of products that I'll no longer carry, and I'm looking into several new products that I'd like to add.

I've contacted a bunch of vendors already, but most said something along the lines of, "Sure. Let us know when you have your tax ID. . . ." so I haven't really been able to set anything up with them just yet.

I'm hoping to get a lot of that done in the next few weeks, and do a "grand reopening" in November, which will probably include a giveaway of some sort.

I want to officially and publicly thank Shrike for going along with this crazy scheme, and DoulaK for being so accommodating and helpful with the transition, and especially the Anonyparents, because we're paying for it with a chunk of that money they gave us, the plan being that once we're up and rolling, the store will make enough money to cover at least a good portion of our mortgage and "unexpected" expenses, and will allow me to continue to stay at home with Peeper (and, hypothetically, a second baby).

And now, I have to figure out what the hell to do with all this:

Show Me The Money

Look up.

No, not that far, just a bit.

Yeah, there.

See that new banner, right below the header?

If you click on it, it will take you to my new Amazon "aStore" where you can buy all sorts of stuff that I think is cool, and we'll get a little bit of a cut from whatever you spend.


If you don't see anything in my store that you like, just click on the "Powered by Amazon" link that you'll see in the top left

corner of the page, and when you buy anything in the whole universe from Amazon.com, we'll get a percentage of the sale.

Also, from time to time, if I'm talking about a product that Amazon sells, I might include a link in the post. Sort of like those, over there on the right.

Similar deal: It will you take you right to the page on Amazon, and if you buy that product, or any other, we get a cut.

So, if you've got some shopping to do, and you're considering Amazon anyway, please take a moment to make a couple of extra clicks and help us out!

Out With The Old . . .

It's not nearly as bad as last time (in part because I fully expected it), but this is about forty ounces of frozen breastmilk, thawing to be disposed of because it's way past its expiration date.

Most of it was about a year old, from while Peeper was NPO immediately following her surgery (about half) and from my "practice pumping" for the couple of weeks leading up to surgery.

There was also a tiny bit from around Christmas, when I was pumping to relieve a blocked duct, but I didn't bother keeping it, because really, Peeper is never going to take it anyway.

So, why did I finally get around to dumping it out?

Well, you see, there was a sale . . .

We've gotten in the habit of eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (I know.) for breakfast, and grilled cheese for lunch, so we're going through a loaf of bread in about three days.

Food Lion had their store brand on for $0.77/loaf, so I bought, seriously, about a month's worth.

Luckily, we had plenty of room for it, because all that was in this freezer was the breastmilk and about a thousand ice packs, most of which were used to ship various fertility medications to us.

I realized that, until we need them for something, they don't actually have to stay frozen, so I packed them all up. This blue ice chest is full and overflowing with them.

I'm trying to get my act together again with the grocery shopping, looking for sales, couponing and stocking up when I can do so cheaply. I think I've got a good start.

On the right (and top right) are leftover paper goods from various parties that we've hosted. We've got just about every major holiday covered.

On the left are Hefty brand ziplocks that I bought today. The regular price is $2.50/package, but they were on sale for $1 and each package had a 20 cents off "peelie" coupon, so they were actually only 80 cents each!

The party stuff again, cereal, Ramen noodles and some other stuff.


More cereal and miscellaneous stuff that doesn't fit in the main pantry.


Food Lion had toilet paper and paper towels on sale last week, plus "save $3 if you buy three" plus I had coupons! There are more packages in the basement.


Shrike's reading over my shoulder as I type this, and just said, "And if we run out of toilet paper, we can just start wiping our asses with bread."

Then she walked out of the room.

A few seconds later, she walked back in to say, "But we might get a yeast infection."

Such a Deal!

Remember a few days ago, when Shrike bought an exersaucer on sale at Big Lots?

She paid $40 for it, but they are $59.99 at both Amazon and Target.

Why the big discount?

See if you can spot the differences:

Big Lots - $40

Amazon / Target - $60



Yep.

We got it for 1/3 off, and saved $20 at the cost of a few flowers, cow-spots and pig-dots.

I can live with that.

What About Love: Something Blue

Celebrate Freedom to Marry week with The Other Mother's blog carnival.


February 10 - Something Old
February 11 - Something New
February 12 - Something Borrowed
February 13 - Something Blue
February 14 - Celebrate Love

---

Okay, now, back to bitching about our lack of rights.

This is not very romantic, but my "something blue" is Blue Cross - Shrike and Peeper's insurance company.

I say it's their insurance company and not ours because her employer won't allow her to put me on her policy.

(Blue Cross would be happy to cover me, but her employer won't.)

Instead, we are currently paying $370/month to continue my coverage from Learning Center and I'm going to take a $10/hour position with Learning Center Online solely because it comes with insurance.

More and more employers do offer domestic partner benefits, but it's still far from the norm.

I'm sure that in most cases, it comes down to a purely financial decision, but it seems to me that discrimination is a pretty chicken-shit way to save a buck.

Oh! I Almost Forgot!

Our $8000 refund check from the fertility clinic arrived in the mail yesterday!

As it turns out, Shrike actually did not have insurance coverage for her testing, so we ended up having to pay about $3500 for it (!) but that still leaves us a net refund of $4500. 

Of course, the whole point of paying the $8000 was to cover testing that wasn't covered by insurance, so they didn't have to give us back anything at all. 

Originally, I thought we'd use the refund to pay off the home equity loan, but after having to pay for all that testing, plus some other stuff, plus additional upcoming Peeper-related expenses we now owe more than that on it Of course, we could pay it down alot, but would still owe for quite a while, and would still have the $100/month payment. 

However, we only owe owed about $7300 on my car, and we're we were paying $170/month on it. 

So, we paid off the car today!!!

We debated about which way to go with it, but decided that was the best choice, overall. 

At the moment, the interest rates on the two loans are the same (5%) although the home equity is likely to go up at some point. 

(It's prime - 1, with a floor of 5% and prime is at, I think, 5.25 now, so it won't change til prime goes up an entire percentage point, which doesn't look to be happening real soon.)

So, in the long run, it will probably cost us a bit more than if we'd put all $8000 on the home equity, but given that I won't be working full time after Peeper is born, getting rid of that $170/month payment seemed like the way to go.

So, the bank may still own our kid, but the car is now ours!

A Pointless Morning

We had big plans for this morning - we were supposed to start by dropping my car off at the tire place (oops, did I not mention the blow-out I had on the interstate Wednesday morning?), then pop over to the Farmer's Market for some veggies, drop by the Mental Health Center (no, not for our craziness) to place an Angel Food order, then head out to the "HUGE Kid's Consignment Sale!!!" that's happening this weekend.

About half of that actually ended up happening.

First, the tire guy said that they neither sell nor warranty the kind of tires that are on my car, so if I want it replaced under warranty (which it's supposed to be), I'll have to take it to the dealership. Strike one.

We did okay, I suppose, at the Farmer's Market. I got some potatoes, and onion and a cucumber, but the little old lady with the yummy sweet pepper relish didn't seem to be there, so I wasn't able to pick up any of that. Foul ball.

We did place our Angel Food order without incident. (Visit their website to learn more about that.) This is our first time, so we felt a little weird, but it was fine. And we found out that, in the future, we can just order for the next month when we do our pickup, so we'll only have to go over there once a month.

Then, we dropped Shrike's car at home (we've been in two cars all this time, because I wasn't able to leave mine with the tire guy) and headed over to the consignment sale.

We weren't looking for anything in particular (thanks to the bonanza of baby stuff that we received on Thursday), and we agreed to not go crazy with the tiny, pink clothes (she already has tons!) but figured we'd see lots of other stuff that we need, but didn't really have on a list.

Eh, not so much.

We did look at clothes a bit, and I almost bought a really pretty forest green and gold velvety (very Christmasy) dress in a 24 months size, but decided against it. There were some other really cute Christmas and winter things in 18 months - likely to be exactly the wrong size/season for her.

Other than that, we really didn't see anything we were interested in.

There were several tables of vendors selling things that I guess Mommies are supposed to like - like jewelry and candles and smelly things and look-purties, but that didn't interest us too much.

There were two or three long tables with toys, and an other small area with floor toys (kitchens and tool benches and easels and the like) but none of those really struck our fancy, either.

There was one small row of gear, but it was all things we have - a crib, some pack and plays, swings, etc.

We ended up buying a CD (Dance and Sing, 20 hand-clapping, toe-tapping songs!) for $1.50, and calling it a day.

And, we're out!

Then we came home, shared a peanut butter brownie from the Farmer's Market (with no-sugar-added ice cream, of course) and took a nap.

Home run!

Making Plans

The other day, I mentioned that there were some "financial options opening up that we'd not thought about" but was rather coy about the specifics. I'm ready to talk, now.

What I was referring to was some number crunching that we'd been doing to figure out how much money we could save, in various ways, and how much money I might be able to make if I were only working part-time, preferably from home, and whether those two things might add up to enough to pay the mortgage and such.

Over the course of the discussion, some additional savings / income options came up, and we saw that the numbers were starting to match up.

I haven't actually secured said part-time work, but it looks quite promising, and today I bit the bullet and told ED1 that we're almost certain that I won't be going back to work fulltime after Peeper is born.

Yikes!

I'd not planned to tell them this early, but they need to line up someone to cover for me as center director while I'm "on leave" so, after much discussion with both Shrike and Anonymama, I decided that it was best to let them know now, so they can go ahead and find someone to take over for me permanently.

What really precipitated it is that ED1 and I had discussed yesterday that they would offer a "long-term sub" position to one of the associate directors of education, who will do a great job, but doesn't actually have a teaching certificate, which is required for at least one director. (And right now, we only have one - me.)

So, I talked to ED1 about it this morning, and she was very understanding, which I really expected, but I was still nervous about making it pretty official this early.

In formulating her plan to offer him that position, she was assuming there was a possibility that I wouldn't be back - and she was very appreciative that I was upfront about it, so they can move forward with plans, knowing what the situation is.

I apologized for not saying something yesterday, but that I just didn't feel like I could make it "official" without discussing it with Shrike. She was very understanding about that, as well.

So, the plan is that, unless my doctor or Peeper or my body tells me that I need to call it quits sooner, I will work through November 21 (the Friday before my due date), and will then likely be officially "on leave" for six to twelve weeks, for insurance / AFLAC purposes.

(Maybe also for their purposes, if they don't have a certified director on board at that point,)

As long as that's the case, I can just pay them for my insurance premiums, then COBRA after that, and when the COBRA runs out, I can switch to Blue Cross. I've already checked that all out. It won't be cheap, but it wasn't as bad as I'd feared it might be.

Of course, if Shrike could insure me, that would be all the better, but she can't. She will be able to insure Peeper though, so that helps alot.

Our plan, overall, is that when Peeper is born, we'll both be off work completely for about three weeks, then Shrike will do some part-time work from home (not a long-term option with her job, unfortunately) until Christmas - while I'm still off work and recovering, of course.

December 26 - January 5, we're going to Texas to visit my family, and a couple of days after we get home, Shrike will go back to work full time.

My goal is to start working myself the following week. What we're hoping for is a work-from-home tutoring position with the online division of the learning center.

The thought is that I will work 15 - 20 hours a week, in the mornings while Shrike is home to be in charge of Peeper. I can't do that kind of work when I'm the only one home with her, because I can't have her crying in the background, but if Shrike's here, she can handle her unless she's hungry. In which case, I can mute my microphone til I've got a boob in her mouth and she shuts up, right?

That money won't be enough to cover everything, but I also make a bit from my freelance web development, and I'm looking into a couple of other options of things that can be done online/remotely on a less scheduled basis, even when I am the only here with Peeper.

It's all very scary - especially the part where it's kind of official and point-of-no-returny now - but we really do think that my being home is the best thing we can do for Peeper, and for our family.

Doula Answers (And More)

Things are maybe starting to fall into place a bit.

For one thing, we met with the doula this evening, and we really liked her.

Of course, we'll want to check her references, but we're pretty sure we're going to hire her.

I don't see being able to "click" with another one much more that we did with her, and she holds several tie-breaker cards, in that she's done lots of deliveries at our hospital, she's worked with (and delivered one of her own babies with) our OB practice, and she's a La Leche League leader.

Before she came over, we looked at the list of suggested questions on the DONA website, but didn't print them out or really stick to them.

Near the end of the meeting, after lots of rather free-wheeling discussion, she consulted her notes to make sure she hadn't left anything out.

It was obvious that she was working from the same list of questions!

In addition to her actual doula-ing, she also does some semi-formal childbirth education.

We asked her opinion of the two classes that we're looking at, and she said that (as I had suspected) the hospital class (which she used to teach) is pretty much "Here's how we do things here, and this is what we're going to do to you," but that it's valuable to get familiar with how things work at the hospital, even if you don't want all the default procedures to actually happen to you.

She also said that the Bradley method is great, and she's sat in on classes with these instructors, and they are good, but that alot of what you learn in the class ends up being kind of wasted on a hospital birth, because you won't be allowed to do it anyway.

So, what I think we're going to do is take the hospital class ($60, probably the all-day Saturday version) and then let her supplement that information with the most useful highlights from the Bradley method and other things that she recommends. That will mostly be relaxation techniques, prenatal exercises and things like that.

I think that will work out really well for us, not just in terms of learning what we need to know, and will actually be usable, but also schedule-wise and financially.

Speaking of finances - the other "falling into place" thing, I won't discuss in too much detail right now, as nothing is certain, but we are seeing some financial options that we'd not considered before, which could be incredibly helpful after Peeper arrives.

There are, of course, still tons of details to be worked out (about all these things) but I'm feeling a lot more secure about it all than I was a few days ago.

Add in the great ultrasound on Wednesday, and I almost feel like I don't have anything to worry about.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . .

It's Not the PowerBall, But We'll Take It

There are a few bills that I've been ignoring lately, because I didn't think that we really owed them money, so I figured if I just didn't pay them, they'd go away.

Oddly enough, that strategy seems to have worked. In spades.

First, there was a bill for $130-odd from the dentist. When I had all that work done back in January and February, they told me what my insurance would and wouldn't cover and I paid the difference up front, so I couldn't figure out how I still owed them anything.

I finally called yesterday to check on it and, whaddya know, I have a $0 balance, and it's all good. Woo hoo, victory #1.

Then I called the fertility clinic, about a couple of different bills that we've received lately, one for $75 to a pathology lab for my endometrial biopsy, and one for $707 to the clinic, for Shrike's prescreening lab work.

It was my understanding that all that was covered in the damn-near $40,000 that we paid them for the "all-inclusive" shared risk IVF fee.

When I talked to the donor IVF financial girl today, she explained that the $707 wouldn't actually be that much, because that was before they billed Shrike's insurance company. $6o of it was something that had been denied, but they ought to pay 80% of the remainder, so we should only owe around $200.

Okay, that's a big improvement, but I reiterated that I thought this was all covered by what we'd already paid.

"Oh no, that was for the IVF. The prescreening is separate," she told me.

"But we got the all inclusive plan, and paid you like $40,000, and that was supposed to cover everything."

"Well, I'm looking at your account, and you've got the $25,000 donor IVF, and $8000 prescreening and $6500 donor meds and, oh wait, hang on a minute. . . ."

After putting me on hold forever, she came back on the line and asked if she could look into it and get back to me later today.

Sure, no problem - because this was already covered and I don't want to pay $200 that I don't think we owe.

A couple of hours later, I received this email from her:

I wanted to let you know the update on your account. It looks like you had purchased the shared risk all inclusive program, included your donor's prescreening.

At this point, I'm thinking "Yay, we don't owe them $200!" but she continues. . .

What I should have done was only collected the shared risk fees of ivf & medications since Shrike had insurance for pre-screening.

Hmmm . . . .

So our supervisor is in the process of returning that $8,000 fee back to you and then you will just pay the balance of what Shrike's insurance will not pick up after being submitted.

No. Fucking. Way .

I called back to confirm that I'd understood that correctly.

Yep, they are cutting us a check for $8000 that we never should have paid them.

Out of that, we'll have to pay the $75 for my test, plus what the insurance doesn't cover of Shrike's tests - but it won't be 20% of $707, it will be $60, plus 20% of the "authorized amount" which is bound to be well less than what they are billing for. So, probably less than $200 or so.

With the rest of the money, we will pay off the home equity loan, and then still have about $2000 to pay on my car.

I am a bit annoyed that, by the time we get the check, we will have paid six months of interest on a loan that we never actually needed, but on the other hand, not only could they have just told me, "Oh yeah, you're right, that was covered," today, and kept their $8000 along with whatever Shrike's insurance company pays, but back in December they wrote off about $2500 in bills that we had expected my insurance company would pay but they didn't.

So, I don't suppose I've really got grounds to complain about less than $200 in interest charges.

Oh yeah, and they made us a baby, so you know, there's that.

As I said above, we haven't exactly won the lottery, and we're not exactly home-free, but we will be home-equity-debt-free, and that is huge.

We were only paying about $100/month on that loan (plus "found money" like tax refunds and "economic stimulus" checks) so it doesn't change our cash flow much but it does make it a little more acceptable to consider using that line of credit for upcoming Peeper-preparation expenses, and to help with over-all expenses while I'm out on maternity leave - especially since I'd like to take twelve weeks, but probably won't have but about a week of paid leave saved up (if that) plus my Aflac coverage.

So, I'd definitely have to say that this is the second best news we've ever gotten from the folks at the fertility clinic!

Thursday Thirteen #48

(Warning: Nerdiest. Thursday 13. Ever.)

Thirteen Federal Tax Deductions That We're Taking

Actually, these are just a few of the deductions that I'm taking. We do all this stuff in my name and I itemize, and Shrike just takes the standard deduction. We should probably do it the other way around, since she makes a good bit more than I do, now, but I think we're still both in the same bracket, so I guess it doesn't matter.

1. Mortgage interest
2. Real estate taxes
3. State / Local taxes
4. Health Insurance Premiums (pre-tax deduction)
5. Charitable Donation: March of Dimes
6. Charitable Donation: American Cancer Society
7. Charitable Donation: Our Local Animal Shelter
8. Medical Expenses: $0.20 / mile for travel to doctor's appointments
9. Medical Expenses: Fertility Medications
10. Medical Expenses: Intrauterine Inseminations
11. Medical Expenses: Blood Tests
12. Medical Expenses: Dildo-Cammings
13. Medical Expenses: Our Dr. T visits for which I was smart enough to sign the check

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Sorting Out the Details

Despite the fact that I wasn't sure I'd survive til the end of this week, let alone the end of this cycle, I spent quite a bit of time yesterday on the phone with a variety of medical and financial types, getting more information about this whole IVF adventure.

First, I talked to both our credit union and the bank that holds our mortgage, about home equity lines of credit.

I'd talked to the mortgage bank last week, and when I called them back for more information, they told me that they'd already gotten the appraisal on the house, and that it was a bit different from what I'd told them.

I was a little nervous about what that might mean, but it turns out that the house is now appraising at about $60,000 more than what we paid for it!

(They obviously have not been inside and have neither seen nor smelled the carpet.)

So, that means that what we owe on the mortgage is actually less than half the value of the home, which gives us a lot more room to borrow against it.

Both banks are offering us a line of credit that's way more than we hope to need, but we have to compare the details and decide which is better.

The biggest difference is that the credit union is offering a lower interest rate (prime minus 1, vs prime minus .26).

The other difference is that the credit union will give us a seven year draw period (we can borrow against it for that long) and then a ten year payback period, meaning we'd have to pay it all off in seventeen years.

The mortgage bank, on the other hand has a ten year draw period, and twenty year pay-off - for a total of thirty years.

On the one hand, having longer sounds better, but I'm thinking that we've really got no business getting ourselves into another 30-year debt. It's bad enough that we'll be 65 before we pay off our house. We don't need to still be paying on the kid when we're 70!

The monthly payments would be a bit higher through the credit union, but it would be a lot less money in the long-run, so I'm leaning that way.

Also, it would just be simpler to deal with, since we already do online banking there, and could make extra payments (tax refunds, other "found money") at any time, with just a click of a mouse.

In medical news, I talked to my nurse to confirm my protocol for the mock EEP cycle, and to our prescreener, who will be directing Shrike to all the hoops that she has to jump through.

I'll continue the estrogen shots, every three days, and will go in on Wednesday December 26 for an ultrasound to check my uterine lining and blood work to check, I don't know, some hormonal crap, I guess.

After that, I'll keep taking the estrogen and will add the daily progesterone shots, until Monday January 7, when I'll have the endometrial biopsy.

That's scheduled for 9:30 am, and then at 11:30 am, we've got a "donor consult" for Shrike with Dr E, and I believe she'll also have some blood work done that day. She's already done all the day three stuff, so we don't have to worry about that.

The only other specific thing the prescreener mentioned was a social worker visit, but we're assuming that another letter from Dr T will suffice for that. We saw her today, and she's going to send that to them in the next few days.

(And I'm sure that the tin of cookies we took her had nothing to do with her agreeing to vouch for our sanity.)

But, I suspect that Dr E will tell us about some other testing that we don't know about yet.

After the biopsy, I'll stop the shots and wait for my period. Then we both go on birth control pills, to get our cycles synced up the way they want, before starting the real IVF cycle.

I also got a bit more information about what Shrike's protocol will be like for the IVF cycle. She'll be taking two or three subcutaneous (belly) shots daily for 10 - 13 days, and will be monitoring (dildo-cam) every two days.

That's much better than the nine daily shots that her cousin says she took when she was stimming!

(On the other hand, Cousin didn't have thirty-six antral follicles - and she was mightily impressed when she heard about Shrike's!)

I feel much more knowledgeable about it all than I did a few days ago, which makes me feel much more comfortable about it all.

I'm sure I bug the crap out of the nurses and everyone else with all my damn questions, but I just need to know as much as I can about what's happening, and why.

There is so much of this that's totally unknowable and totally out of my control, that anything that I can know and / or can control, I just have to.

(Actually, that's just kind of how I am about everything. I'm all about the knowing and controlling.)

Also, while Shrike is generally more the doer around here, and I'm more the sitter-on-my-ass about most things, when it comes to big, complicated projects like - oh, getting married, buying a house, making a baby, that sort of thing - I am the Keeper of the Checklist and the Cracker of the Whip.

As I'm sure is painfully obvious from this blog, I deal with big scary things by obsessing over every fucking detail, whereas Shrike tends to deal with them by ignoring them and hoping they'll go away, so if I'm not on top of what needs to be done and when and where and how, it won't get done.

Therefore, I have to bug the hell out of my nurses and financial people to make sure that I know everything I'm supposed to know, so that nothing gets missed.

Right? Right!

So, what's next?

By the end of the week, we need to make a decision about which bank we're borrowing the money from, and start that ball rolling, so we can be ready to give the clinic a shitload of money on January 7.

Other than that we'll just keep shooting me up, enjoy our Christmas, and wait to learn more.

The Next Step

After talking with a financial person at our RE's clinic, I realized that the whole insurance appeal is to get coverage for the IUIs that we've already done, based on the fact that they never told us there was a limit of three.

We might get them to pay for that, but there's no way they'll cover any future IUIs.

Based on that, we've decided that if we don't get some good news from my beta on Friday, we will be moving on to IVF.

"But, wait" you say. "I thought IVF was going to be prohibitively expensive?"

Well, yeah, it was going to be, but my parents have offered to cover a significant portion of the costs, leaving us with a quite doable amount to pay ourselves.

They'd said, a couple of times over the past few weeks, that they would help "big time" if we had to go to IVF, but I had no idea until last night just how much they had in mind.

With that part worked out, I made some calls today, to the donor IVF nurse and financial coordinator, trying to sort out the rest of the details. I got a bit more information, but I think I may have come away with more questions than answers. They are both working on getting us more information.

I've also asked Nurse E to check with Dr E on whether there is a possibility of getting approved for shared risk using my eggs, because that would be about half the cost.

I don't have a lot of hope for that, though, so we're expecting to go forward with using Shrike's eggs.

I'm trying to get things lined up to go right into the mock cycle if things don't turn out as we hope this cycle, but I don't know if I'll be able to.

Right now, we're trying to find out what kind of insurance coverage Shrike has that might help with her meds and / or testing. If it's good coverage, we might go with the shared risk option that does not include those, and pay them separately.

On the other hand, that money would then not be guaranteed. We'd be out it either way.

But, if even a few cycles would cost significantly less with insurance than the difference in the full versus partial plans, it might be better to go that way.

I'll have to discuss it with my parents, of course, since it will be mostly their money at risk.

There are still a ton of details to work out, and also a ton of things to process personally, including coming more fully to terms with giving up on my own eggs and a genetic connection to our child, but with my parents' offer, it's like a huge weight has been lifted, and suddenly IVF looks possible, rather than some crazy fantasy.

I am still just blown away by their support and their generousity. I have, of course, thanked them, but there is no way that words can ever be sufficient for a gift like this.

We are very, very lucky, indeed.

Frustrated

I don't know why I bothered to pee test yesterday and today, knowing damn well that it was most likely too early to get a positive result, even if things are going well. Tomorrow might be far enough along to see something, but even that is a bit of a stretch.

All I accomplished by starting it yesterday instead of waiting until tomorrow was wasting the $2 for the tests and discouraging myself. Ugh.

I know I've got five more days to see something on a pee test, and five more days til my beta, so there's still plenty of time to get good news, but at this point, it kind of feels impossible, like we're just doing all this stuff and going through these motions - and spending all this money - for something that's just some crazy fantasy.

Like if we were spending all our money on lottery tickets or something.

And, now, I'm totally freaked out about this whole insurance thing, and what to do if they're not going to pay for any more IUIs. Do we pay for three more out of pocket, at about $3000 a pop? Or do we go right to IUI - and borrow like $40,000?

What the hell am I saying? We can't borrow $40,000.

Well, we could borrow it, but we couldn't pay it off.

Sidebar:
Shrike is reading over my shoulder and just said:
"What are they going to do, repossess our baby?"

"No, honey, they're going to repossess our house."

(No response.)

So, that's where we stand. I've emailed Nurse E to ask who to talk to about the status of the insurance appeal, and how long it should take.

We have a week before we'll know anything, but if my beta is negative, at that point, we'll need to decide pretty quickly what comes next, because I'll need to start meds on day 3, which could be as early as next Wednesday.

Ugh.

Catching Up

It seems that I've been meming (memeing?) all week, but that's about it.

I've been staying busy in the evenings, working on a couple of different websites (just some updates and new pages for some existing freelance clients), so that's kind of had me distracted.

There's nothing really exciting to tell, though. We're still waiting and wondering, of course.

I'm groping myself hourly to try to decide if my boobs hurt. I think they are starting to, but, you know, it might be the groping.

Of course, they've been sore before, to no avail.

The only thing different and possibly suspicious that I'm experiencing is that, for the past three or four days, I've felt a bit ooky pretty often. Not really nauseated, but just not quite right in the tummy, pretty much off an on all day.

I'm not sure whether to make anything of it or not. On the one hand, I tend to think, "Well, I did just eat a brownie (or way too many chocolate kisses or fill-in-the-blank)" but on the other hand, I've been eating that stuff for weeks months ever and not feeling ooky.

So, maybe . . . .

In related news, once again I must quote Nurse E: "(My) insurance company is THE DEVIL."

(Caps hers.)

Now they are saying that they only approved me for three cycles of IUIs. But, the RE's office doesn't seem to have any record of that, and I think it's the sort of thing that they would have noticed.

If we'd known that we only had three cycles paid for, we would have made different treatment decisions, and would have started out a lot more agressive than we did.

So, the RE's office is filing an appeal and we're keeping our fingers crossed.

Of course, if I've got some sticky giblets, then that will all be moot.

Well, there will still be the question of whether they will pay for what we've already done this cycle.

(Funny, they seem to have already paid for cycle #4, and for the cycle #5 meds - what the hell?)

But, if that's the last of it, we can handle that. The big problem is if we're looking at doing up to three more medicated IUI cycles with no coverage.

Nothing else new, really. Just waiting . . . .

Or, Maybe This One

We also like this 2004 Suzuki Aerio SX. It has 21,130 miles on it, and costs about $500 less than the PT Cruiser.

Taking gas mileage into account, we're looking at about $15 less per pay check (every two weeks).

Here's a comparison between the two.

What to do?