Negative

As I might have mentioned (a time or two) I'm scheduled for an "official" pregnancy test tomorrow.

I just couldn't contain myself, though, and I did a home test this morning (when Shrike could be with me), which was was negative. As I expected.

We are, of course, disappointed, but not devasated.

We knew that it wasn't realistic to expect it to work on the first try. Hell, that rarely happens, even in the most optimal of circumstances - and our circumstances are certainly less than optimal.

I'm glad we went ahead and tested, though, because I would much rather get disappointing news at home, with Shrike by my side, than at work tomorrow.

It's going to be a crazy enough work day as it is (being my last day in this location, being part of a big presentation to all the directors about a new promotion we're starting, having my evaluation with Director and ED2, and so on) without the wondering hanging over my head.

I really think it's better that I know, and I'll just be waiting for official confirmation from the blood test tomorrow, not waiting to find out.

Also, I'm definitely starting to cramp (wasn't sure yesterday if that was my imagination or not) so I'd just as soon know that it is what I think it is, and be prepared for it.

I'd much rather find out by seeing a negative sign on a stick than by seeing blood in the bathroom.

Which I fully expect to see any moment now. Or certainly by the end of the weekend, once I stop taking the progesterone after the official test tomorrow.

Although we're disappointed, in the long-run, it's probably for the best that it didn't work out this time. (At least that's what we're telling ourselves.)

We've pretty much decided that we're going to skip a month before trying again, because I just became eligible for short-term disability insurance at work (effective 8/1/07) and it does not cover maternity leave if you deliver within 10 months (6/1/08) of the effective date.

Waiting until September to get pregnant would put me due in June, and make me eligible for enough money to pretty much cover the mortgage (which usually comes out of my salary) for six weeks (eight, in the case of a C-section). That could make the difference in being able to take off six weeks or twelve.

And, we still have a few days left in the month of June on which there are no family birthdays, so maybe we'll be able to fill in one of those. (Already covered: June 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 17.)

Waiting would also give me a month or so to get settled in my new job without having to make a bunch of trips over to OldWorkTown, which is about 45 minutes from NewWorkTown.

(Not that I would have minded those trips, of course, had they been for ultrasounds, if the test results had been different.)

We're trying to stay philosophical about it. We've been disappointed in other things before, which have ended up turning out for the best, and we've always told ourselves that things will work out as they are supposed to.

We'll get the baby we're supposed to have, when we're supposed to have it, and when it happens, we won't be able to imagine it having been any different.

We just really wish it had been supposed to happen now.