No News is . . . Well, Kind of Crappy News, Actually

If you're following along in the sidebar (and, really, who isn't?) you'll have noticed that I've seen negative pee sticks yesterday and today.

As Shrike keeps reminding me, it's not definite until we do the beta on Monday, but at 12/13 days post-IUI, it's really not a good sign.

I'll keep testing until Monday, and will keep hoping for a second line to appear, but I'm certainly not expecting it.

Hell, I wasn't expecting it yesterday or today, either.

I know I don't have a lot of right to whine yet, on just our fourth attempt but, you know, it's really getting kind of old. Already.

It's my understanding that what we're doing is as aggressive as we can go, short of IVF, which is a bit frustrating, because I feel like we should do something more or at least something different next time to increase our odds.

The problem is, I'm 39 years old (39.5 by the next time I ovulate) and we're using frozen sperm, and there's only so good the odds are going to get.

We get four more attempts at IUI, then we have to give up or move on to IVF.

No word yet on Shrike's bloodwork, or on when we can expect a decision from the shared risk committee on whether they'll accept us to use Shrike's (38.5 y/o) eggs.

Even if they do - or if they don't , and we try IVF with anonmyous (young) donor eggs, under the shared risk program - there's still the matter of coming up with the money.

Did I mention the money?

Using donor eggs (known or anonmyous) the shared risk cost is about $30,000.

No, I didn't type any extra zeros.

30-fucking-thousand dollars.

That gets you six attempts (plus transfers of any frozen embryos left after those six) and you get a live baby, or your money back.

Which is great, in that if it doesn't work, you're not out the money.

But if it does - $30,000 of debt. And a new baby.

Holy shit.

We have about $40,000 of equity in our home, so that would be our best bet for coming up with that kind of money, but we'd have to do some serious figuring, as to how we'd manage the payments.

Of course, even if we don't have to go that route, we've still got plenty of other money issues to fret about.

I do feel a bit better, though, since I realized that Shrike has an "extra" paycheck this month.

(A few months ago, we started pretending that she gets paid twice a money, rather than every two weeks.)

That means that we now have almost enough in savings for two more cycles (clomid, FSH, HCG trigger, 2 ultrasounds, 2 IUIs and 2 vials of sperm).

Oh, wait a minute - we have enough minus the $500+ that we're going to spend next week on replacing the head gasket in my car.

(Whatever the fuck that is. Our mechanic seems to think it's important, though.)

Over those two months, we'll put a bit more into the savings account, but not enough for a 3rd (7th) cycle, so I'm not sure what happens at that point.

(So, if anyone's wondering what to get us for Christmas . . . .)

And then - then - I start worrying about how we're going to manage once we actually finally do have a baby.

There's not a ot of extra money lying around for baby expenses including childcare for about 30 hours a week, when our work schedules overlap.

I'd really, really, really love to be able to work from home, but we're not sure how to mangage that.

I might be able to get some work from OldJob, but it would have to be enough to cover the mortgage, plus health insurance. That might be a stretch.

(Shrike will be able to insure the kid, so that's good. Cue righteous anger at the fact that Shrike can't insure me.)

But, I guess we have time to figure that part out.

Something more than nine months, evidently.

Damn it.