Half Baked

I am now twenty weeks pregnant, the official half-way point!

Don't get me started, though, on how that's only half-way through from the "imaginary starting point" and it will be another week before Peeper is actually half-way from conception to due date - and a 2.5 more days after that, before we're half-way through the time we expect her to actually be inside me, from transfer to due date, and yet another few days before we're half-way through the part we've actually known about - from the positive tests to due date.

I will, I'm sure, note those milestones as well, when they roll around, but for now:

OhMyGod - I'm half-way through this pregnancy! What the fuck?!?

One of the eleventy-gazillion "your pregnancy this week" email newsletters that I receive suggested taking a moment at the midway mark to reflect on how things are going so far, and how actual pregnancy compares to the expectations.

So I shall.

As you may have guessed, my pregnancy has been rather different from what I expected, so far.

Physically, it's been much easier.

(shhhhh)

After our scary ultrasound a few weeks ago, I said I'd take back everything I'd said about the "e-word" but, physically, it really has been.

As previously documented, I had no nausea or food aversions or super-smell-sensitivity or any of that typical first trimester ickiness that one hears so much about, I've had very little in the way of other "symptoms" and, even at twenty weeks, I feel like I'm just barely starting to show.

I don't think anyone who doesn't know would look at me and guess that I'm pregnant, although if you've been watching all along, you can probably see the difference.

On the other hand, I'm sort of (maybe) surprised at my (how did Dr T put it?) "baseline of anxiety" about everything. Which has also been fully documented already.

Of course, there was the Week O'Terror, when we were so worried that Peeper was going to have a neural tube defect, or other "birth difference" (as the genetic counselor so politically correctly put it), but even before and after that, I've really had trouble just relaxing and enjoying it, because I've had that nagging "what if something's wrong" in the back of my mind the whole time.

On the one hand, I think that's been a bit better since the Ultrasound O'Relief a couple of weeks ago, but of course I had myself worked into a bit of a state again before we heard her heartbeat at our midwife's appointment yesterday.

That was, of course, very reassuring, but I'll feel even better next week when we actually see her again, and reconfirm that everything is looking good.

And get a check on how much she's grown - that's still a legitimate concern.

(As opposed to all my other, random, crazy, illegitimate concerns.)

As to dealing with my craziness, I'm just trying to continue to hold on to all the positive energy and good vibes and prayers and healthy-baby-mojo that we felt in such abundance during the Scariest Week Ever, and to continue to envision our family being surrounded and embraced by all that love and positivity.

Now that I am starting to show a bit, and starting to feel Peeper moving around a bit - and Shrike can even feel her a tiny bit - the whole thing is starting to feel more real, and like we're actually going to OhMyGod, have a baby in a few months.

We're really moving along with the preparations, gathering the gear, planning her room, shopping for (used, cheap) furniture, and so on.

We do still have to deal with some major issues, like planning for the delivery itself (childbirth classes? doula? who to have there with us?), finding a pediatrician, deciding who's going to watch her when we go back to work, and maybe even figuring out how we're going to pay for all of that.

Suddenly, twenty weeks doesn't seem like such a long time.