"How Are You Feeling?"

I've already answered that question about a thousand times in the last two weeks (asked mostly by Shrike) and I expect to hear it about a zillion more times over the next 34.5 weeks.

And that's fine, because it's very sweet of people to ask. (Especially Shrike.)

Typically, my answer has been that I feel, "fine, so far," because I do.

Or, depending on who's asking, I may add that, "I'm tired and my boobs hurt," because I am, and they do.

But that's just the physical report. Only poor Shrike has been subjected (so far) to the full-on freak-out that is the complete answer to that question.

Last week, I found myself going back and forth between being cautiously elated for a day or so after each beta report, and then freaking out for a day, until the next report.

My last beta was on Monday, so it's now been six days with no clue as to what's going on in there, other than the continued tiredness and boob pain.

And even that waxes and wanes a bit, and of course, that freaks me out.

Yesterday, my boobs weren't hurting as much as I would have liked them to (that is, less than the day before), so I was all worried.

This morning, I was thrilled to hop out of bed and have them immediately tell me, in no uncertain terms, to "Stop that shit and move more gently. We're unsupported here, you stupid bitch!"

I tried to explain it to Shrike yesterday, and I don't know if I was really able to express exactly what it is that I'm feeling.

It's not so much the fear that something might go wrong (although I certainly feel that), or that something has gone wrong (feeling better about that, see: hurty boobs), but just that I find it very hard to believe that this is all real.

I could explain away the tiredness and boob pain by the progesterone (I've felt that before), but of course, there's no excuse for four positive, rising betas and a fistful of positive pee-sticks, so I know that I'm just being stupid, but I just can't help worrying that I'm going to go in for that ultrasound on Wednesday, and they're going to be like, "Why are you here? This is for pregnant ladies."

I guess, to a large extent, that this worry is a defense mechanism. As excited as I am, I am also terrified of something going wrong, so I'm having trouble letting myself believe that everything will be fine.

Shrike is trying her best to unfreak me, and to reassure me, (Her: "You're being stupid." Me: "Do you really think so?" Her: "Yes, I'm not just being nice.") but I don't think that I can believe this is real until we see something on the ultrasound.

Even though I know we won't be out of the woods then (although, once we see a heartbeat, the chance of Bad Things Happening drops to about 5%) I think I may at least believe that it's not just all a big trick, and will maybe feel a bit more like an actual pregnant woman, not like I'm somehow faking it.

I suppose time will help with that, anyway, because the Peep(s) will make his/her/their presence obvious enough before long.

In the meantime, I'm just waiting for the ultrasound to show us that all is well - and how many there are - and waiting for some more exciting symptoms.

It's not that I want to feel nauseated, but at least a little nausea or something would make me feel more pregnant.

I guess it all just comes down to a basic disbelief that something this wonderful could actually be happening to us, so there must be a catch somewhere.

Is that nuts?