Making Babies Without Boys

Toni asked a very good question, in a comment about my recent Thursday Thirteen post:

Just out of curiosity- what's the difference between you being preggos vs me? We both tote a uterus around. Why do lesbians need a book of their own?

I think to a very large extent that you're right. I think that, in a way, any two pregnant women in the whole world probably have more in common with each other - regardless of sexual orientation, age, race, religion, geography, or any other variable - than either of them has in common with any non-pregnant person in the whole world!

On the other hand, there are a lot of issues that are unique to lesbians and other women who are choosing to make and raise children without a male partner, that they do merit a book or ten that specifically address them.

(Shrike: And we own every one of them!)

First, the decision to have a child is a much bigger one, given how complicated it will be to make it happen, and given the wide range of possible reactions that a lesbian couple has to be prepared to get from their friends, families, jobs, etc.

Then, there's the whole matter of how to get pregnant in the first place - after all, we've got uteri a-plenty here at the Shrike-Whozat house, but nary a sperm in sight!

Another book that we own is called The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth, and I'd say that all the books (including the one on my Thursday Thirteen list) really cover all those topics, not just pregnancy.

They generally come from the assumption that "So, you want to make a baby . . . " rather than "So, you're pregnant . . . ."

Most of the ones that I've read start with a chapter or two about the various options available for how to conceive the baby - known vs. anonymous donor, fresh vs. frozen sperm, intracervical vs. intrauterine insemination, at-home vs. doctor's office insemination, in vitro, sex with a man (yep, a few lesbians do it that way!), tracking fertility and timing inseminations (much trickier when you only get one "shot" at it each month), etc.

There's usually also a chapter about various possible parenting relationships - single parent, coparenting with a partner, coparenting with a donor, coparenting with a friend, and an infinite number of other arrangements that people work out - as well as the legal issues involved in making sure that everyone's parental rights are protected and respected by the law - especially those of the non-biological parent(s).

These legal protections can range from being essentially the default situation for a married or civily-united couple in places where that's possible, to complicated but doable for a couple in a state that allows second-parent adoption (as does Blue State) to almost impossible in a state that might not only ban second-parent adoption but any adoption by lesbians or gay men.

The books usually also offer advice on navigating the medical world as a lesbian couple, and making sure that your caregivers and hospital respect your relationship, and respect the non-biological mom's rights as a parent.

They also usually talk about dealing with parenting issues that are unique to same-sex couples - the constant questions about "who's the 'real' mom" or "who's the father," for example.

Also, the discussions of the effects of pregnancy and parenting on a couple's relationship are different from what I've read in mainstream books, which tend to assume that the pregnant woman is married to a man.

After all, if Shrike won't go buy me ice cream at 3 am (although I think she will) I can't blame it on her being an insensitive man!

(Likewise, I won't be able to blame her during the delivery for "doing this to me!" I have joked about saying that to the doctor, though, as she'll be the one inseminating me!)

So, I guess my answer is that the vast majority of the actual pregnancy information - what's happening to your body, how the baby is developing, what to expect during delivery - is pretty universal but there are other issues, unique to lesbians (or single women making babies without a man in the picture) that these books address, in addition to all of that.