That Kid

Peeper's tendency to hit her friends (have I mentioned this?) is something we've been struggling with for a while, but she was in rare form at the MOMS Club meeting today.

First, she stepped on little H's chest ("she was in my way, I stepped on her to get by" rather than stomping, but it was intentional), then she slammed the roof of the dollhouse down on a 2 1/2 year old boy's hand(s?).

We were already adjourned, and that's when I should have just left, but I felt like we should help clean up, and I needed to count the school supplies that we were collecting for the local women's shelter, so I didn't.

Then she tried to "hug" H (after asking her - that's progress, right? - and being told "no"). From the back, around the neck, while lifting.

She spent the rest of the time in a chair in the corner while I repacked school supplies, but then I heard that at some point, she'd hit a six-year-old boy on the head with a drumstick. ("I like to play drums.")

Sigh.

I take personal responsibility for the fact that she was starving, and therefore probably cranky (Altho I gave her the damn muffin she asked for for breakfast, and it was still sitting on her desk when we left. Also, not that it's any sort of excuse), and for not leaving immediately after the first or second incident.

I was really torn between just leaving (I've had to do that twice recently - at A's cookout on July 4 and at the bubble party last week), and helping to clean up, especially since she's the one who'd dumped out all the Legos. I realize now that the other moms probably would have rather cleaned up without our help than have her around their kids for any longer than necessary.

As you can imagine, she and I talked about it a lot today, and I was able to get some information out of her about what exactly happened and her motivations, none of which excuse her behavior, of course, but at least knowing where she's coming from might help us to help her to change the behavior.

We also talked a lot about ways that she can use her words instead of her body to express her feelings, whether positive ones or negative, and that she needs to respect other kids' space and their "no" when they don't want to be touched or hugged.

Of course, I felt pretty stupid when I told her for the zillionth time, "You have to ask for a hug, and if they say no, you have to respect that," and she asked, "Mama, what does 'respect' mean?"

Sigh. Again.

I have told her that if she asks for a hug and the other kid says no  that she can use her words to tell them "goodbye" or "hello" or "I love you" or whatever she was trying to communicate, and I've told her that if she just needs a hug, that she can always come get one from me, and that probably any of the other moms would be willing to give her one, too.

We've also talked about not only the nice way to ask other kids for things, ("May I please have that when you're done?" "Excuse me" etc) but also that if she doesn't get the desired response, she can stomp her foot if she needs to, and say "That makes me mad!" (or sad or frustrated or jealous) instead of hitting.

 I've also asked her to please come and tell me "I want to hit" so I can help her through that feeling without it actually happening.

To maybe help her with controlling her impulses, I talked to her about how she's "the boss of her hands" and she can make them do all sorts of great things, and so she can also make them not hit.

(I just came up with that, and then in doing some online research about this, I came across that exact thing - even using that language. Go me!)

I've also told her, point blank, that this kind of behavior can get her or our whole family kicked out of MOMS Club if it doesn't stop.

But, she's still not-quite-four, and still has very little impulse control, and it's going to take a while for her to learn to react calmly - or even with "mad words" - instead of physically, so Shrike and I have also come up with a few strategies that we hope will minimize the opportunities for her to be aggressive with the other kids.

For starters, to the extent that Shrike' work schedule allows, I'm going to leave Peeper home for both board and general meetings, since I tend to be concentrating on business, and supervising her less closely, and it's a lot harder to just pick up and leave, because I need to be there.

For other activities, I'm going to (continue to) talk to her on the way there about how to play nicely and use her words, and make an effort to watch her more closely when she's playing, not only to hopefully stop her before she actually hits anybody, but also to "catch her being good" and say something when I see her being nice or she does use words instead of hands, and if she does get aggressive, we will leave.

What I've done in the past is the first time she does something, I've made her come sit with me for a while before she can go back and play, talked to her about it, had her apologize to the kid and parent, and told her that if anything else happens, we'll have to leave. Twice I've had to leave.

If that doesn't help (or if my fellow board members - whose kids she was terrorizing today - prefer), I will go to a zero-tolerance policy on it, and we'll leave the first time she hits someone.

For now, I think it's probably better if we avoid the 0-3 age group activities, because she really is too old for that group (and will be graduating from it soon) and it does tend to be the younger kids that she's being aggressive with, whether it's because that's just who she's around more, or she finds it harder to "use words" with kids who aren't yet as verbal (although you'd think that H's "NO!" would be pretty clear) or that she's got more sense than to whack a kid twice her size (or maybe not - she seems to have no qualms about drumming on T's head!)

Oh, I will also try to remember to scan the premises for drumsticks and put them away. I swear, every time she gets one in her hand, she ends up hitting someone on the head with it. I asked her "Are you trying to hurt them, or are you just trying to play drums?" and she said, "I'm trying to play drums."

Soooo, cue conversation about acceptable things to drum on. Starting with "Not your friends' skulls!" At least she can do less damage to the big kids!

If necessary, we'll take a break from attending any playgroups, or from taking her to mom-centric things, etc, that are mostly "free play" for the kids and just stick to the more structured activities, like crafts and tours and such, and I'll attend other things solo.

Shrike and I have an (already scheduled) appointment with Dr. T. on Monday, and you can bet this will be on the agenda. Hopefully between her psychological training and her parenting experience, she'll have some good advice for us.

And, to be honest, I'm also going to ask her whether we should take Peeper to talk to one of her colleagues who deals with kids; maybe they can figure out what this is all about.

Oh, and I'm going to try to remember to carry some sort of snacks with me, to avoid her being hungry, which can't help the situation.

I sure hope it works.