Baby Class!

Today was our childbirth class, which was an all-day affair. 

I made sure to wear the "pregnantest" shirt I have (the reddish one from my most recent belly shot) because I was certain that, since we're taking it so early (because the other option is November 1, and I'll be neck-deep in election stuff that weekend) that "all the other girls will be more pregnant than me" and that, combined with my less-that-obviously pregnant belly (except maybe in that shirt) would make me look and feel like a big ol' faker. 

Yeah, I have some issues. 

Anyway, as it turned out, there were at least two or three of the others who aren't due til the first week of December, and a handful with less belly (and several with a lot more) so I felt better about that. 

But, I digress. Let me start from the beginning. 

When we arrived at the building where the class was to be held (next door to our OB's building, and in the same building as the diabetic counselor, and the pediatrician that we're considering), we saw that the lobby had pink decorations everywhere. 

"Wow!" I thought, "they really go all-out for this class."

Then I thought, "But, wait, some of the couples are having boys . . . ."

Then I realized that it wasn't baby-girl-pink at all, but rather titty-pink, because they were having a big breast cancer awareness event. 

(There's a breast imaging center in that building; I think they were probably doing mammograms today or something?)

There was cake, and quite a spread of fruits and stuff, but we felt weird about that, so didn't have any. 

(Also, Shrike had spotted the dietician, so I was afraid I'd get busted with the cake!)

We did get some pink ribbons pinned on us as we passed through on our way back from a break later, and stopped to feel up some of the plastic boobs on display. 

(Of course, they had plastic tumors in them, which sort of spoiled the fun.)

Actually, it looked like a really informative, very worthwhile event, and I kind of would have liked to have had more time to look around. 

Any-hoo . . . .

Shortly after we arrived at the classroom, and took our seats in the back (because we were the last ones there!) the instructor welcomed us and got things started. 

First, she told us that this was the first time she'd taught this particular class before, and that they'd told her everything would be set up when she arrived, but it wasn't, so she apologized for scrambling to get it all together. 

Um, ok. 

Then she asked "How long is this class supposed to last today?" 

The guy next to us said, "Two hours!" but the rest of us told her it was all day, including a hospital visit. 

She seemed a bit thrown off by that, and said that she was a bit confused because the Monday evening classes were done on multiple days, "But it'll be fine." 

That's not sounding too good.

Then, she tried to start a video, and said, "I'm a nurse, not an A/V technician, can one of you guys help me out." 

There was much clicking of remotes and "No Tape" notices on the screen and such. 

By this time, we're all starting to roll our eyes, and whisper to each other, and Shrike is asking me, "Did we pay money for this?" and such. 

About then, the instructor says, "Ok, so how's everybody doing? How are you feeling about me? Are you okay?' 

Lots of awkward shuffling and "Yeah, not so much" whispers and such. 

Then she said, "I did that on purpose. I've taught these classes for years. How did I seem when I started the class? Was I prepared? Was I flustered and nervous? Did I know what to do? Was I looking for help?" 

Yes, all around. 

"That's why you're taking this class. So you won't be like that when you go into labor." 

Wow. She totally had us all going. In fact, it took me a few minutes to really be sure that she had just been pulling our collective legs. Very effective. 

Turns out, she's taught the classes for almost thirty years, was very good at it and certainly seemed to know what she was talking about. 

And, once we were past the elaborate ruse, her introduction was to play Bill Cosby's bit on natural childbirth. (Part 1 / Part 2)

Oh my God. That is (according to YouTube) twenty-five years old, and I remember seeing it when it was new, but I had forgotten just how funny it was. 

We were a bit amused / disturbed by the reactions of our classmates when he referenced the doctor "sitting there like Johnny Bench," because you could tell that very few of them had any idea who he was. 

After the video, we all introduced ourselves, and checked out the other couples, and calculated demographics. 

There were eleven mom/coach teams in the class. Not surprisingly, we were the only lesbians,  and I think it's safe to say that we were also the oldest. 

There were a couple of other couples who might have been in their thirties, and one or two probably in their mid-twenties, and lots who were very young. 

There were five married couples (including us), one girl with her mom and one with her aunt, and the rest were with guys whom they introduced as a boyfriend, fiance, or baby's father. 

When I introduced us, I gave the very-short-story version of how we made Peeper, since I figured everyone would be wondering. 

The rest of the class was pretty much what you'd expect, all crammed into one day. 

There was talk about signs that you're in labor, when to call the doctor, stages of labor and such. 

We saw videos of three births - one unmedicated, one with a narcotic shot, and one with an epidural. 

After lunch, we talking about breathing, relaxation and focusing techniques, various positions and other things to try to make labor go more smoothly. 

There was another video at the end, about basic infant care. It included actual photos of baby poop. Shrike just loved that part. 

Then we all met up over at the hospital for a tour of the maternity floor. 

The highlight of that was when she showed us this thing that looks like the memory-eraser device in Men in Black, crossed with a tiny plasma light, which is used to remotely adjust the spotlights that they use for the actual delivery. 

She said it's not something we'll be using ourselves ("No, guys, you can't play with it.") but that "If you saw that coming at your crotch (which it does, because that's where the lights have to focus, of course) and didn't know what it was, it might freak you out, so I like to show you." 

We also saw the room where Shrike's sister was when our neice was born (at the end of the hall; easy to remember), so that was kind of cool. 

All in all, we both felt like we learned a lot about what to expect (with labor itself, and with the hospital) and got some good tips on things that might be helpful. 

And, it's one more thing we can check off our list o' things to do before Peeper arrives!