Crazy Time, Again

It's been more than two weeks since our last check on Peeper, I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow (at which we hope to find ouf if s/he is a she or a he) and of course, there's that whole elevated AFP thing - all of which adds up to make one crazy, fret-ball Mama.

Despite the fact that I can poke my belly and feel that my uterus is expanding (and maybe see it too, but it's hard for me to judge) and that I'm peeing every twenty minutes, and that I've had no signs of anything bad going on, of course, I've once again managed to work myself into a state of ridiculousness.

Actually, I'm not specifically too concerned about the whole AFP thing (thanks so much, LiPA, for the "another false positive" comment - that was irrationally comforting!) but more just the general angst that I've had everytime it's been a while since we've checked in on the little guy. Or gal. (Ask me tomorrow!)

Which is a whole 'nother issue.

As anxious as we are to find out what sex Peeper is, on some level, I think I will kind of miss the not knowing.

Not so much the being in suspenders (as Shrike says) over it, but the more possibility of it being either.

We are not particularly hoping for one or the other, and are much more concerned to see that all Peep's other parts are there and in the right places and properly formed than we are about which parts are between his or her little legs.

There is, of course, our aforementioned completely shallow preference for baby boy clothing - which is balanced, on the other hand, by the fact that we're girls and are marginally more comfortable with the idea of parenting a girl - but we really don't have a preference, per se.

I know that we'll be thrilled with either, and I'm sure that within a few days (if not of finding out, then certainly of birth) we won't be able to imagine life any other way.

That said, whichever Peeper turns out to be, I think that there will be, at first, a bit of - well, maybe disappointment isn't the right word - but a bit of loss for the other option.

Especially given that we know that the embryos transferred were one of each, as excited as we will be to find out about the boy (or girl) that we will are having, I think we will still, to some degree, grieve the girl (or boy) that we aren't having.

Not just specifically "Not-Peeper" - that actual embryo (but, yeah, that too) - but the potential of having a child of the other sex.

Right now, we can imagine life with our little boy or with our little girl, but after tomorrow, we'll have ruled out one of those possibilities, and that's a little bit sad.

Well, not completely ruled out.

We did realized a few weeks ago that, despite the fact that (given our ages, and the expense) it's very unlikely we'd be able to have another biological child, that door isn't completely closed on having a second child.

If, a couple of years down the road, we decide that Peeper really needs to have a little brother or sister (or we really need to have one of each - or maybe even another of the same) there is always the possibility of adoption.

It's certainly not something we're interested in pursuing right this moment, and likely never will, but it helps to know that the option exists.

Of course, once Peeper is here, we very well may decide that's plenty for us, but at least that will be a decision that we make, and not one that's made for us.

In the meantime, though, unless little Peeper is being shy (that would be just our luck), about 14 hours from now we should (hopefully!) have some reassurance about his/her health, and should know whether the #1 banned toys at our house are more likely to be guns and swords or hoochy-mama dolls.