Before the Blog: My Coming Out Story

I never really know where to start with my coming out story; so I guess I'll start at the beginning - coming out to myself.

I suppose I've always been interested in women. In retrospect, I can see that, growing up, I always had a crush on one friend or another, but I was probably in high school when I first consciously thought about a woman in "that" way.

I dated guys (well, a couple - I wasn't exactly Miss Popularity) in school, and was with one from my junior year in high school until after I'd graduated from college. After he and I broke up, I became the classic girl in her 20s, "out to find a man."

Through all that time, I was still getting crushes on girls, and still thinking about girls, but still convinced that it was just something that was fun to think about, but not something I'd ever actually do.

When I was 28, I was having a few drinks a good friend (on whom I'd had a crush for a while) when suddenly the converation turned to the subject of being with another woman.

Suffice it to say, I soon began thinking that perhaps I might be "bisexual," rather than just "a little bi-curious."

(I was still a long, long way from claiming the label "lesbian.")

Over the next year or so, I started visiting a lot of gay, lesbian and bisexual websites, and that's when I met Shrike. During the time that we were involved online, and were beginning to plan her move to Texas, I came out to a select few of my friends and they were very supportive, but then, it was a very select group.

I had no plans of coming out to my family any time soon. I told myself that if they knew Shrike and liked her before they found out about our relationship, that they would take it better. To be honest, I was just plain chicken.

Right after Shrike moved in with me, I spent a month working as director of a summer camp. Shrike and I spoke on the phone at least once a day, and a couple of times she drove up to see me, or to bring me things. At the beginning of the camp season, I was out to two of my staff members.

By the end of the season, the entire staff, and many of the campers had figured it out. I knew that one counselor, in particular (an ex-Boy Scout - coincidence? I think not!) did not approve at all, and I was somewhat concerned that he - or any of the other people who'd drawn their own conclusions - might out me "publicly" and it might get back to my family.

I knew that as much I as didn't want to tell them, I'd much rather they hear it from me than from someone else.

I decided to start with my brother, because he would be the easiest. I didn't really know how he'd react, but I don't worry as much about having his "approval" as my parents' or my older sister's, so I wasn't as worried about telling him.

As it turned out, he made it even easier for me. We went to dinner one evening, right after I'd come home from camp, and he told me about his friend from law school who'd just come out to him, and about going to PrideFest with her and her girlfriend.

After a few drinks, I said, "OK, I've got something to tell you." He just laughed and said, "You and Shrike are 'really good friends?'" Of course, he'd known all along, and had laid out all that information about his lesbian friends to let me know that it was ok to tell him. After I'd told him he said, "You know, our family just got like ten times more interesting!"

My brother was also a great help in convincing me to come out to my parents. Although I knew that they had never been anything but accepting of other gay people that they knew, I thought they might feel differently when it was their own kid. I really expected to get a "What will the neighbors think?" attitude from them.

He told me, though, how cool my mom was when he talked about his friends, and that he didn't think they'd have any problem with it at all. Of course, that didn't stop me from being terrified.

The next weekend, I finally told myself that I had to do it, and showed up on their doorstep unannounced. I went in and said that I needed to talk to them about something. I'm sure I scared them half to death, because I was shaking so badly. No telling what they thought I was going to say! I realized, of course, that I was now beyond the point of no return, I couldn't just say, "Oh, never mind," and leave, so I somehow managed to get through my little prepared speech.

I said, "I have something to tell you - it's about Shrike - well, it's about me and Shrike - we're not just roommates, she's my girlfriend."

They both looked at me, absolutely expressionless. So I continued, "I don't necessarily expect you to like this, and you may have trouble even accepting it at first, but I hope that with time you will, and that you will come to accept Shrike as a member of this family."

Then I sat there for what seemed like hours (of course, it was probably more like a second or two), praying for either of them to react - anything - just stop staring at me!

My dad spoke first; he said, "Well, it's your choice." I had a sigh of relief about half way out, when my mother said, "I don't agree with Daddy on that."

The sigh of relief turned back into terror in the split second before she continued, "I don't think it's a choice."

I was amazed. They were absolutely cool about it. Later in that conversation I told them my concerns about being outed at the school where I was teaching, and their reaction was basically, "So?" As my mom said, "It's not like they're going to fire you - they have a girl's PE department, you know."

Then she said, "But you don't want them talking about you? They'll make things up to talk about if they don't have something real, don't worry about it."

We talked about a lot of other things that afternoon, including my plans to leave teaching, what I might do instead (I had no clue, at the time) and that Shrike and I were thinking of moving to BlueState. It was the first real, honest, serious conversation I think I've ever had with them.

At one point during the conversation about possible job options, graduate school, etc, I said "I can probably get that information online."

To which my mother responded, "Evidently, you can find everything you need on the Internet."

Indeed.

Later, as I was getting ready to leave, my dad hugged me - we are not a hugging family, so this was a big deal - and then he just kind of shrugged and said, "Whatever." I don't think there's a much better reaction to be had from a dad finding out his daughter is a lesbian than a hug and a "whatever."

Once my parents were out of the way, I still had to tell my sister. In a way, she was even harder than them, because she is very religious, very conservative and very convinced that homosexuality is a sin.

I knew that she would still love me, but my biggest concern was how she would handle the information with her kids, who were barely 12 and almost 15 at the time. I wasn't really afraid that she'd stop me from seeing them or anything like that, but I figured she wouldn't want them to know, and I really didn't want to have to always be worrying about what they might see lying around our house, or always be afraid I'd slip and call Shrike "Honey" in front of them or something.

It took about another week to work up the nerve to tell her, and even then, I did it over the phone, lying in bed, with Shrike holding me while I talked to her. She had pretty much suspected as much, but was pretending it wasn't true. She wasn't real thrilled that I was forcing her to acknowledge it; I think she was hoping it would be a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. She was very surprised that I had told my parents already, she didn't expect me to do that, at all.

She decided that her kids needed to know, although she did ask that we not be demonstrative around them. A few days later, she told them. For a good while, neither of them acknowleged that they knew, but in the last couple of years, my niece, in particular, has been very matter-of-fact about it. During as recent t visit to Texas she even outed us in the middle of TCBY!

I didn't used to believe that there could really be such a thing as "hate the sin, love the sinner," but if it exists, my sister is the embodiment of it. It really impresses me that as much as she thinks that our relationship is wrong, she still treats Shrike like family, and I can still talk to her about our relationship.

She's given me "in-law advice," we can make jokes about it, she even read through our family history one night on the phone, looking for good last names, when Shrike and I were thinking about taking a whole new one when we got married. That turned out to be quite interesting - we discovered we have an ancestor whose last name was "Dyke"!

In case you're wondering about the last name thing, we legally hyphenated them in October 2001. Hers comes first, because it just sounds better that way; I have one of those "first name" last names, so with mine first, they sound like some guy's whole name! (Perhaps some long-lost cousin of Shrike's?)

I've been out at my current job from the beginning; I actually included an earlier, much more primative version of [my old] website on my resume. My boss is very cool; he even sent an angry email to Jerry Falwell after he blamed the September 11 attacks on "gays, lesbians, feminists...."

When our name change was final and I ask him if it was ok if I told the truth to any clients who asked (they'd see it on my emails) he said "That's your business who you want to tell what; and if they have a problem with it, then I'll have a problem with them."

At Christmas time in 2001, I wasn't quite sure how to handle sending cards to my extended family, since I would either have to use my old last name for the return address, or no last name, or explain why I had a new last name.

So, with my mom's blessing, I sent the usual cards to the extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins), but included a "newsletter" recounting our year, including the wedding (that went to everybody), and an additional "coming out" letter (we were already out to everybody else on the list).

The response was great - I heard back from several of them, and they all - even my mom's seventy-something-year-old Baptist preacher cousin - addressed their Christmas cards to both of us. One aunt and uncle even sent a belated wedding gift - a check for $100!

Now that my extended family knows, I can't think of anyone whom I really "know" that I'm not out to. Out of all of them, the only negative reaction I've gotten was from the one guy at camp, and even he never actually said anything to me (and I never actually came out to him - he'd just heard rumors.)

Other than that, the most frustrating reaction, which I've gotten from many people, has been, "Hell, I've known that for years!" - I always think, "Gee, thanks, wish you'd told me!"

I'm amazed at how far I've come in just a few years. I'm out to pretty much everyone I know, I out myself to strangers pretty nonchalantly, I have multiple pride stickers on my car, I wear a "freedom rings" earring all the time and Shrike and I share a last name.

We're not always comfortable walking around town holding hands and things like that, but we do it quite a bit, and I kind of enjoy "pushing the envelope."

A while back I realized that just because someone stares at us walking arm and arm, it doesn't mean that they are shocked or appalled or planning to hurt us - maybe they're intriqued, maybe they're impressed with us for having the guts to do it, and, even if they are shocked and appalled, at least they're being educated by seeing that we eat at the same restaurants and shop at the same Walmart, and have the same boring lives that they do.