Lost in Translation

As I might have mentioned, I recently placed ads in the CountyShopper (our local free weekly classified ads rag) ad well as on the CapitalCity Craisglist, pimping my mad tutorin' skillz.

(Oh please, give it up. You are so nearly-40. And so white. You're just embarassing yourself. Really.)

Here's the gist of the ad:

capitalcity craigslist > lessons & tutoring

Tutor - All Levels
Experienced, certified teacher. Can tutor all levels, elementary through college, and most subjects, including most sciences and math through Algebra II or College Algebra. Evenings or weekends, in your home. $15 - $20/hour. Contact Whozat at (phone) or (email).

Seems simple enough, right?

One would think.

One would be mistaken.

From : (her)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:11 PM
To: (not my email address)
Subject: Need a Lesson Teacher

Hello ,

I am Mrs HerName. I am from the Italy,i have a male son that will be coming for holiday in the United State,and i wont to prepare a Lesson activities for him,so i just want to know maybe you can always come and teach him great things on Lessons every afternoon. i saw your advert on the listing site and i was so impressed,If this is possible,i will want you to get back to me with the cost of your teaching for two weeks in March and he is to come with his textbooks and ascessories,i will want you to calculate the cost of (I month) and get back to me with the schudule and
timetables,
Thanks

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From: (whozat)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:25 PM
To: (her)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

How old is he and what subjects will he need help with?

Are you just looking for help with the assigments that he's bringing from home? Are his assignments / books in English? When is he coming?

I am hoping to have a full-time job soon, but might be able to help you out in the evenings. Or, if the fulltime job doesn't materialize before then, I might be available in the afternoons. How many hours per day are you interested in?

Thanks,
Whozat

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From: (her)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:34 PM
To: (whozat)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

Hello,

Thanks for the email,he is 15yrs old and let me know the cost of 1month so that i can arrange on the payment..Thanks and God Bless

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From: (whozat)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:25 PM
To: (her)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

Also, where do you live?
Whozat

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From: (her)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:34 PM
To: (whozat)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

Hello,

I live at Italy but i am Now in West Africa.so let me know about you and the lesson

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From: (whozat)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:38 PM
To: (her)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

I'm sorry, what I should have asked is where he will be while in the US.

Whozat

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From: (a different email address)
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2007 12:14 PM
To: (yet another address, also not mine)
Subject: LESSON

Hello teacher,
how are you doing today ,i can read your description and i am very impress and interested in your lesson,my son is coming for an holiday pension in your area ,he is 14 years old,he know a little about this lesson, so i don't want him to be less busy in the time of the day , so i have decide to let him atending your lesson , so he will be coming 2 hours in A DAY(9 am to 11 am) or time that you will have chance,so i want you to calculate the cost for 1 week and send me the total cost ,i will be paying you with cashier check ,so get back to me with your cost . i will like to hear from you soon.
regard

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From: (the other address)
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2007 12:20 PM
To: (whozat)
Subject: LESSON

I don't have the exact text of this one, but the gist was that I need to know where he will be, what lessons does he need help with, is it in English, I might be working full time, etc. Basically, everything I already said. I also explained that I just help students with their assignments from school, I don't present my own material, and that I don't know if I'm really what she's looking for.

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From: (her - the first address)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:38 PM
To: (whozat)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

(This is in response to last night's question about where he will be while in the US)

Okay thanks for the email,i will love you to know that he will be staying with my Cousin who lives in the states Okay.so let me know from you.

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From: (whozat)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:38 PM
To: (her)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

In what city and state does your cousin live?

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Um . . . wow.

Just wow.

You really have to feel kind of sorry for this poor woman, who is in West Africa, so far from The Italy at which she lives.

And so far from her 15 - or perhaps 14 - year old male son.

(Although now it occurs to me that perhaps there are two boys traveling together, ages 14 and 15, and the random email from a different address was from the parent of the friend?)

All she wants is for him to not be less busy in the time of the day, while he's on a holiday pension for two weeks in March - or maybe 1 month - or I month (are they still using Roman numerals in The Italy?) - or 1 week.

Why, oh why, do I insist on asking such irrelevant questions as "Will he be holiday pensioning within a thousand miles of me?" and "Does he speaka the English?"

Why won't I just calculate the cost for the poor woman, so she can arrange on the payment?

Why won't I let him attending my lesson?

Why won't I always come and teach him great things on Lessons every afternoon?

For God's sake, she is liking to hear from me soon!

Update - This just in!

From: (her - the first address)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:38 PM
To: (whozat)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

Thanks for the email,He will be staying with my cousin and always come for the lesson every afternoon because i have someone who could always drive him down to you
location.My cousin live not far away Houston,Tx

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From: (whozat)
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:38 PM
To: (her)
Subject: RE: Need a Lesson Teacher

I'm sorry, but I am very, very far away from Houston.

I'm afraid I won't be able to help your son.

Did you find my ad through www.craigslist.com?

Be sure that you are looking at the listings for Houston, Texas, so that you can find someone who is close to where he will be.

Best of luck to you and your son. I hope that he enjoys his visit to Texas.

Whozat

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I considered mentioning that I used to live in Houston, like ten years ago, but thought better of it. I figured that would only be confusing, since I'm now like 2000 miles away from there.

(What is that in kilometers?)