Overwhelmed
That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.
When I first went back to work at the end of April, it made sense that I was overwhelmed, what with getting used to actually getting up and going to work all day again, commuting an hour each way, meeting new people, learning a new job and so on.
Now, it makes sense that I'd be overwhelmed all over again, what with the new position, meeting all new people, learning new job functions, the increased responsibility, dealing with people complaining to me about things that happened before I got there and decisions someone else made, and all that.
The catch is, though, that I'm not overwhelmed again; I'm overwhelmed still.
I never got underwhelmed. Or regular-ass-whelmed. Or whatever.
Since I went back to work, I've not done a damn thing around the house, I've cooked maybe twice, I've fallen totally "off the wagon" about saving money, and I have been pretty generally useless, beyond going to work and coming home.
Oh, yeah, and that trying to make a baby thing. I guess that's probably a factor.
I was trying to explain this to Shrike - and to put it into words for myself - the other day, but I couldn't quite make sense of it.
It's not depression (been there, done that, this is different) it's just that, I guess, between the new job (and then the new new job) angst and the baby-making angst, and top it all off with a big dollop of hormones, it just feels like I don't have much energy - physical, psychological or otherwise - left for much of anything else.
Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of things that fall under that category of "anything else" that I really ought to be doing, but I just can't quite get it together for.
It feels like "Hey, I've got these two things I'm dealing with right now how dare you expect me to give a shit about x, y or z?"
But x, y, or z may well be something I've promised somebody I'd do (like a certain website that I've started on but have been stalled for a while), or may be necessary to the basic functioning of the household (like sink full of dishes or a stinky litter box) or getting out from in front of the computer for a few minutes to spend some quality time with Shrike.
The past three months have just felt like one long string of "I just can't deal with that right now," alternating with, "Oh shit, I've got to deal with that right now!"
At which point, I still don't necessarily deal with it. But I feel guilty about it.
So, you know, that's progress.
I so hear you on this. Somehow the whole process of trying to make a baby is so much more than the actual physical bits. It's like it consumes your entire being to the point where there's no room for anything else. I too am struggling to find the energy and commitment to sort out work issues and move house. I feel like I just want to sit and read trashy novels, or play flash games until I need to do something fertility related again. You say it's not depression, but I think it's maybe some kind of low-grade protection mechanism - a kind of opting out of life.
ReplyDeleteI have found that being forced into doing other stuff has helped, but I've yet to be able to force MYSELF - circumstances have conspired against me. No solution there for you then - sorry.
I sooooooo know overwhelmed. I agree that there may be more of a depression factor than you realize. (Which aside from anything else, maybe a hormonal issue.) One interesting factor I found was that many years ago, when I went on Zoloft for PMS, I found that the constant overwhelmed feeling I had lifted. That really started my depression related theory.
ReplyDeleteObviously right now you are not going to go for any medication related fixes. You might check out what Google has to say on nonchemical depression relievers. Maybe they have a suggestion.
One that I have read is exercise, particularly walking. Are you still walking the dogs at all? Is there anytime in your schedule where these days where you and Shrike can walk them together? That might provide a stress reliever and some together time too.
It may seem overwhelming to even think about it and I am the last one that deserves to preach about the benefits of exercise, but it might help in the long run.
Vee - Exactly.
ReplyDeleteI do think a whole lot of what's taking up my mental/emotional energy is the baby-making, but adding the job on top of that (especially the part about not getting home til 8 pm two or three nights a week) makes it that much more so.
The job is concrete and actually exists so maybe it's easier to identify that as the culprit, but I do think it's definitely the combination of the two.
It reminds me a bit (although not nearly as intense) of when Shrike and I were first getting together.
My friends and family thought I was depressed because I was, as you say, kind of "opting out" of everything not Shrike-related.
The thing is, they didn't know anything about Shrike - and, at the time, I didn't feel like I could tell them.
In reality, I was very happy, but absolutely overwhelmed by falling in love, being completely obsessed with someone I couldn't be with at the time (and wasn't sure I would be able to be with ever), spending all my time in front of my computer talking to her and, did I mention, dealing with "Oh my Gawd! I'm a lesbian!!!"
Not much left for anything else in the world.
LK - Walking the dogs (and talking) with Shrike is great.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, that's one of the first things that I had to mostly give up when I went back to work, mostly for logistical reasons.
I go with them when I can (weekends) but should try to find more opportunities to do so.
Maybe in the mornings on my "late days" - she's trying to go earlier, when it's not so hot, anyway.
And, of course, managing to find a time for us to get in to see Dr. T (before she goes on maternity leave!) wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
ReplyDelete