Friday, August 31, 2007

Kid Night

Our niece (7) and nephew (10) (Shrike's sister's kiddos) are spending the night, so I'll have to make this quick.

They've not been in bed long (oops - bad aunts!) and we should be getting there soon, ourselves.

We had a good evening with them, if a late one.

I picked them up on my way home from work, we came home and got Shrike and went to dinner.

We ate the newest restaurant in town, one of the "fifteen pieces of flair" genre.

On a Friday night. What the hell were we thinking?

It was packed, but actually turned out to be not so bad. The wait actually wasn't as long as we feared it might be, and the kids were great.

A couple of bucks for the motorcycle video game (It's a BUCK for ONE GAME! What the hell is THAT about?) occupied them for a while.

At that point, I told them other people needed a turn, and we were going to sit and wait for our table.

Luckily, they called us about then, because I wasn't real sure how that would go over.

Dinner went well, and they even turned down our offer of ice cream afterward (what the hell?).

We were headed home, when I realized that we needed to buy a gift for her cousin's new baby (we're going to see them on Sunday!).

So, we bribed offered to let the kids each pick out a small ($5) prize if we could go to Target (next door to the restaurant) and they'd be cooperative while we picked out an outfit for Baby R.

She was down with that, but of course, he thinks "baby stuff is booorrrring!"

But prizes are cool, so off we went to Target.

They were really good while we were there, and thank you, LadyKay, for the "give them a small amount of money to spend and that's that" idea.

Shrike actually said, "I'm going to use LK's strategy. . . . "

When her kids were small, she gave them each a buck or two to do with as they wished at the grocery store. Any time they asked for something, the answer was, "Is that what you want to spend your money on?"

Sometimes they chose the kind of stuff you'd expect a kid to choose, other times something perfectly nutritious that just didn't happen to be on the list that week.

(Correct me if I'm mis-remembering.)

But, I digress . . . .

They saw tons of stuff that they wanted, of course, but were content to "keep it in mind for Christmas" if it was more than a five-spot. So, that worked quite well.

He ended up with a $4.99 shark, and she got two $1.99 paddle balls.

("One for me and one for Aunt Shrike, so we can have a paddle ball contest.")

(We spotted them the sales tax.)

By the time we were done there, everyone was finally ready for ice cream, so we picked some up and headed home.

When we got here, there were messages on the answering machine from their mom and their dad, each calling to tell them goodnight. Oops.

I declared 9:30 to be bedtime, and I think we finally headed them that direction a bit after ten, and tucked the second one in around eleven.

We're really going to have to work on that.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Dream a Little Dream of Pee

For as long as I can remember, I've had this recurring dream - well, I have a variety of recurring dreams, but I'm only talking about one right now.

In these dreams, I need to pee, but can't find an acceptable place to do so.

Every bathroom that I find either has insufficient privacy, or it's all gross, or it's occupied or something else is wrong with it.

Invariably, when I wake up, I realize that I really do have to pee.

I figure it's my subconscious mind's way of reacting to the sensation of needing to pee, but then putting on the brakes because, even subconsiously, it knows it can't let me actually pee in the bed.

(Whew!)

So, why in the hell would I be telling all the interwebs about these crazy dreams?

(Although, they're not so crazy, are they? I mean, doesn't everybody have these dreams?)

Anyway, the reason I'm oversharing is that I just had to write about the novel variation on this theme that I experienced this morning.

In this dream, I did need to pee, but instead of being unable to find an acceptable toilet, I kept being thwarted, in one way or another, from doing a home pregnancy test.

First, I dreamed that I took a test that developed three lines instead of two, so I wasn't sure if that was a positive or not, and I wanted to retest to confirm.

I don't remember all the specifics, it being a dream and all, but one thing after another kept stopping me from doing the second test.

Man, if my waking obsession with baby making is going to intrude my dreams, couldn't it be something more fun, like that one I had last cycle, about feeding the cute little baby boy that I hadn't had yet?

Thursday Thirteen #26



Another topic suggested by Shrike:
Thirteen Foods that I Love
  1. Chocolate Candy
  2. Brownies
  3. Chocolate Icing
  4. Cheese
  5. Macaroni and Cheese
  6. Chili con Queso
  7. Cheese Enchiladas
  8. Quesadillas
  9. Nachos
  10. Lasagna
  11. Peanut Soup
  12. Lemon Icebox Cheesecake
  13. Ice Cream
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Thursday Thirteen Blog Roll

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mammary Manipulation

Although I know damn well that anything remotely symptomatic that I might be feeling is as likely (or more) to be caused by the prometrium as by Coodby, that doesn't stop me from obsessing about every twitch and twinge.

Over the past couple of days, I've been trying to decide whether my boobs are a little tender, and whether they might be any larger or heavier.

This, of course, requires much groping, squeezing, poking and hefting.

I've occassionally sought a second opinion (at which times, Shrike's been more than happy to oblige) but mostly, I'm on my own. I'm trying to remember to be discreet.

I'm just about decided that I can't decide if there's any visible difference, but they almost definitely seem to be a bit tender.

On the other hand, maybe they're just sore from all the man-handling.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Manic Monday #3

  1. What kinds of scenes in movies make you cry?
    Happy endings, where the girl gets the girl
    Sad endings, where the girl loses the girl
    On my TLC baby shows - when the girl has the girl (or the boy)
  2. If you met your clone-- someone with your exact personality traits, likes and dislikes, etc. -- would you want to be friends with him/her? Why or why not?
    Oo, that's a great question. I suspect that I would find myself annoying as hell. I would probably be in a constant competition with myself over which of us would be the boss bitch.
  3. What is your biggest challenge in life right now?
    Getting pregnant - while staying sane.

Learn more about Manic Monday.

Last Night

And the big winner of this morning's little quiz is . . . . Roro!

We did, indeed, see the Indigo Girls in concert.

Vee gets an honorable mention for her guess, because you really can't argue with that description of the video.

My anonymous mother gets a pass because, well, she's the mom so she really can't be expected to recognize da girls.

For those who aren't fans and weren't able to make out what's going on, they (along with the opening act and the entire audience) are singing the chorus of Closer to Fine, one of their most popular and well-known songs.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains,
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

Of course, there were thousands of people singing, several of whom were within close range of the camera/phone, so I can neither confirm nor deny whether my voice can be heard on the clip.
And you can't make me.

Guess What We Did Last Night

The sound and video quality are pretty awful, and you have to ignore the off-key singing of those near the phone/camera, but you get the gist :-)

(Note - it's really loud, so turn your volume down before you hit play!)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Cuh-ray-zee

I think the progesterone has built up in my system enough to start affecting my mood.

At least, I hope so. Because if not, I'm a freakin' nutcase.

This morning, we were awakened at the ungodly hour of 11:30 am by Shrike's dad calling to invite us over. Her sister will be there with the kids this afternoon, and she's planning to pick up Chinese food on her way over. Would we like to place an order?

Now, what could be wrong with that, you say?

Everything, if you're a hormonal crazy person.

The thing is, if I'm going to have Chinese food, I'd much prefer to go to the buffet and have a bite of each of several different things, rather than order take-out and have to settle on just one thing.

And if I do have to settle on one thing, I'd much prefer to share something with Shrike, rather than buying a pint of something of which I'm going to eat about a half-cup.

But, nooooooo, they are picking up Chinese and Shrike wants shrimp lo mein and I'm not in the mood for shrimp, and they come from the ocean and are probably full of mercury anyway and, oh-my-God, what if they use MSG, are you trying to doom little Coodby, and how could you possibly be so thoughtless and inconsiderate, you bastards!
Um, yeah.
And no, I don't want to pick up something different just for me, because then I'll be a wierdo.
Yeah, well that's going to be rather hard to avoid, now isn't it?

At least I did realize that it wasn't rational, but for a while I was blaming it on having just woken up and been hit with all these really hard questions and decisions, like "Do you want to go to mom and dad's to see the kids?" and "Would you like to order lunch?"

My God, people, what do you want from me?
Finally, though, as I was telling Shrike, "I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why this is bothering me so mu . . . oh. Nevermind."

I've still got that grumpy feeling in the middle of my gut, but it sure does help to know the reason - and to know that it's not a rational one.

Shrike was very understanding about it and did her best to defuse me, by agreeing to get pork lo mein instead of shrimp, so we could share, and to call the restaurant and ask about the MSG.

At one point, I told her that if I were to get something other than Chinese, I'd want to stop at this new little barbeque place that's on the way to her parent's house. But only if she wanted to get something from there, too.

A while later, I heard her on the phone.

"Hi dad. Don't get us anything for lunch, because we're going to stop and pick up barbeque on the way.

This new place, down the road from us, on the way to your house.

Yeah, it's pretty good, we've been there once.

Sure, what do you want us to get you?"

I guess I won't be the only wierdo.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saturday Special #20: Personal Preferences

  1. Quiet evening at home or out on the town?
    Usually at home. For us, "out on the town" generally means dinner and a trip to Target.
  2. Watch a movie or Reading a good book?
    More likely a book. Especially if the movie option is something one Shrike picked out - generally either a thriller or something of the bad lesbian genre. (Sorry, hon.)
  3. Order a meal or cooking one yourself?
    A few months ago, when I was being frugal and domestic, I would have chosen to cook it myself. Right now, we're more likely to go out.
  4. Going for a walk or Taking a ride in the car?
    Probably a walk with Shrike and the dogs. Although driving around looking for trouble can be fun, too.

Learn more about the Saturday Special.

Photo Hunter #22: Happy

I won't be modeling these for anyone but Shrike (and, believe me, it's better that way), but I thought they fit the theme pretty well.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Fun With Progesterone

Maybe it's just the waiting up til all hours for Shrike to get home, then getting up and going to work in the morning that's getting to me, but I suspect that the progesterone is kicking in again, because I'm having hell staying awake.

On my way home today, I stopped to visit with Shrike and with thirty minutes left in her lunch break, I wimped out and left, because I was ready to lay down and go to bed.

A fairly interesting audiobook kept me alert on the road, but as soon as I got home, checked my email and settled in, I lay down on the couch to watch some tv.

Mistake. I dozed off around 7:30 or 8, and woke up a little while ago - after 11. Whoops.

I hope Shrike is up for some conversation when she gets home in a little while.

On the other hand, I may be ready to go right back to sleep by then.

I'm blaming it on the prometrium (progesterone supplements) and fully expect the other side effects that I seem to have experienced on it last cycle to kick in any minute.

How's that for a potentially self-fulfilling prophesy?

I shouldn't complain at all about it, because it's so important in maintaining an early pregnancy, and it could make all the difference in how little Coodby fairs, but it's not exactly number one on my list of fun things to do for two weeks.

Basically, all those early pregnancy symptoms that those of us in the two-week-wait are anxiously looking for (which, of course, are pretty much the same as PMS symptoms) are caused by progesterone.

Which means that, regardless of how Coodby's doing, I can expect to experience them, at least to some degree.

Last cycle, that meant sleepiness, grumpiness, maybe some smell sensitivity, a general lack of mental clarity and possibly, some boob issues.

(Hard to tell about the boobs, after the kind of weightloss that I've had. Let's just say that there's a lot of room for enhancement before I'm likely to experience visible effects, or much in the way of soreness.)

Those things are, of course, big fun, in and of themselves, but because the progesterone is likely to cause them no matter what, there's the added bonus that you can't depend on symptoms to actually be symptomatic of anything.

(On the other hand, at least a bit of what I experienced last cycle could possibly been caused by Zippy's brief existence, as well.)

And then, there's the actual taking of the stuff. As Shrike alluded to in her comments on Wednesday, the prometrium is a vaginal suppository.

In other words, I basically shove a gel cap up my twat twice a day.

(That's the phrase that she was trying to trick me into saying. So, there you go, honey. I'll send the Google perverts to you.)

Now, to be honest, the shoving up part's not so bad. It's what happens next that I could live without.

I believe it was Sir Isaac Newton's wife who first noted that "What goes up, must come dripping back down over the course of the day."

So, that's a lot of fun.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Thursday Thirteen #25


A big thanks to my honey for this week's topic!

Thirteen TV Shows That I Have Loved (Past & Present)
  1. The Daily Show
  2. The Colbert Report
  3. ER
  4. West Wing
  5. Xena: Warrior Princess
  6. Mad About You
  7. Friends
  8. Seinfeld
  9. Homefront
  10. Thirty-Something
  11. St. Elsewhere
  12. Hill Street Blues
  13. M*A*S*H
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Thursday Thirteen Blog Roll

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Testing, Testing . . . .

Last cycle, I had every intention of sticking to my RE's instructions to wait for the "official" blood test on day 15 post-IUI, and not take any home tests.

As you know, I almost made it.

One of the main reasons I was able to hold out that long was that I knew if I tested too early, I'd get a false positive, caused by the HCG trigger shot - but I wasn't sure how early was too early.

This month, however, I'm using a different strategy, and planning to do what I've read about one several other women's blogs.

I'm going to do pee sticks every day. I'll see the false positive, then see it disappear, then if it turns positive again, I'll know it's the real deal.

Of course, I know that it's not a guarantee - after all, if we'd tested at 11 or 12 dpo last cycle it might have been positive - but after last month, I will view any positive test as meaning "so far so good" rather than "start buying onesies" for quite a while.

I suspect that's how I'll interpret even a strongly positive beta at 15 dpo, and a doubling beta after that. I don't really anticipate a big, sudden "We Are Pregnant" revelation or corresponding announcements, but more a gradual, "It's looking good, still good, even better, etc."

I'm not sure at what point I'll be confident that we've got a keeper. Maybe about the time we bring the kiddo home from the hospital?

So, I figure there's really no downside to testing all through the two-week-wait. I might drive myself nuts trying to interpret semi-visible lines, but no more nuts than just sitting around and wondering.

I did the first test this evening. Of course, I fully expected to see the false positive from the HCG trigger shot that I took less than 50 hours ago. There was, in fact, a very faint second line.

I'll be interested to see if it's any darker with first morning urine tomorrow, because I would have expected it to be stronger at this point.

There is the possibility that my slightly-less-than-100-percent kidneys might not clear the HCG (or LH, in the case of the invisible surges) as efficiently as they should, making it less likely to register on a home test. Also, this is a Dollar Tree test, although it claims to be sensitive down to 25 mIU/mL.

However, this confirms that I can get enough out to register on a stick, if there's enough in my blood, so I'm confident that I'll see a positive result when I am good and truly pregnant.

Also, I think I'd just as soon the test be a little less sensitive and make me wait an extra day or two before giving me good news, if it means that it's less likely to get me falsely hopeful about a really low HCG level.

I am so glad that we'd not seen a positive pee stick last month, before getting the way-too-low beta.

But, having been through that, I think we're prepared to not get too excited about a positive stick until we get a good, strongly positive beta.

We just want to have an inkling which way things are looking.

Wordless Wednesday #23: Pill Popping

This is my old lady pill organizer, containing:

  • OB Select Prenatal Vitamin (chewable blue ovals)
  • Flintstones Complete Vitamins (various colored chewable Freds and Barneys)
  • Prometrium Progesterone Supplements (yellowish oval gel-caps)
Learn more about Wordless Wednesday.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Manic Monday #2

Whoops! I went looking for the new Manic Monday questions on Saturday, but they weren't up yet. Then, yesterday, what with all the excitement, I totally forgot about it. So, here they are, a bit late.

  1. What is the biggest transition you've had to make in your life?
    I made several transitions pretty much all at once - or, at least, back-to-back - about ten years ago. I met and fell in love with Shrike, came to terms with being a lesbian, moved from Texas to BlueState and changed careers, all in the space of less than eighteen months. Although, I supect that the (hopefully) upcoming transition to parenthood may top that.
  2. If you had to be famous for something, what would you choose?
    Making the world a better place, probably through political means.
  3. What surprises you most about your life so far?
    Oh God, pretty much everything. See question #1, plus my evolution, over the past four years, as a political organizer, leader, mover and shaker.

Learn more about Manic Monday.

Sperminator 2: Genetic Boogaloo

Well, the deed is done and the reproduction rave has begun anew.

The doctor (a different one from last month, but still not my doc) said the sperm looked great - 10 million after the wash (they like to see at least 5 million) - and that my cervix also looked great.

The whole cervix thing is really not so relevant for an intrauterine insemination, especially when we've already confirmed the timing with ultrasound and bloodwork, but it's still something a girl likes to hear every now and then, you know.

I don't think I mentioned before, but yesterday's ultrasound showed my uterine lining at 15 mm - they like for it to be at least 10 mm.

So, it looks like all the ingredients are in place, now we just have to hope for the best.

Oh, and I'm sure you're all wondering how to properly refer to the little hypothetical being.

We'd yet to decide on a catchy "Z the Zygote" name this time around and I was all ready to set up a poll here to let my "fans" decide - until this afternoon.

When we'd finished at the doctor's office, we decided to get a bit of lunch. As we were looking for a parking space, Shrike said, to my tummy, "Now, listen, little Could-Be Baby - we don't ever have to come eat here again."

(She was afraid the God-awful parking situation would scare it away.)

Hmmm, Could-Be Baby . . . it doesn't quite have the same "zing" as Zippy, but I like it.

So, please keep your fingers crossed and send all the good mojo you've got, for little Coodby to get made - and then to stick!

Monday, August 20, 2007

It's Show Time!

I made the drive down to OldWorkTown this morning, to visit my old friend the dildocam.

I was expecting to get a follicle update and to be told to come back on Wednesday to take another look.

Instead, as I was in the stirrups, trying to make sense of the image on the screen, Nurse E said, "Well, we're ready to trigger!"

Whaaa?!?

Yepper, I've got one follicle (on the left side again) at 19 mm. (Trigger size is 18 mm.)

She told me that I would need to take the shot today, and the IUI would probably be Wednesday, but based on my blood work, could be tomorrow.

Oh crap - the shot!

I had called the pharmacy on Friday to order it. It was going to be sent out today, for delivery tomorrow.

For a few minutes there, I was afraid that I would either have to drive another thirty minutes or so (in the direction away from work) to pick it up, or send Shrike for it - about ninety minutes each way.

Luckily, she was able to find one there, so she just gave it to me and told me to keep it in the fridge at work. Whew!

Speaking of work, when I got there I updated my Regional Director on the situation. She comes to my center on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and on Tuesdays and Fridays she is at her own center. Tomorrow she's got things going on there, so she can't skip out to cover for me.

I called ED1 (who oversees our centers), and she said she'd be happy to come in and cover for me if needed.

Around 3 pm, Nurse E called back to say that my LH is 35, which means that I'm definitely either already surging or just about to, and we need to do the IUI tomorrow morning. Or as early as they can get me in.

She said to "Go ahead and do the shot tonight; the earlier the better."

I told her, "It's here with me. Should I do it now?"

"Yes, if you can."

So, I sucked it up and gave it to myself!

I don't think I could have done it if Shrike not done it so painlessly last month.

I tried once and just poked myself a bit but the needle didn't go in. That hurt a little, but not much. Then I figured I'd better rare back and really stab it, like they showed in the instruction video.

So, I did (I think I closed my eyes!) and it went all the way in, just like it was supposed to, and I didn't feel it at all.

I squirted it in (reeeaaalllly slooowwwllly) and pulled it out and I was all done!

Whew!

But first, I called RE's other office (where the sperm is stored, and where we'll do the insemination) to change the appointment. We will call them at 10:30 tomorrow morning, to tell them we're on our way and it's time to thaw and wash the sperm. Then, our actual appointment is at noon.

I think we'll start out in separate cars and drop mine at Shrike's work, then ride together to the doctor. That way, I can drop her at work when we're done, so she doesn't have to come home only to retrace her route, back to work.

I'm taking off the whole day, so I can take it easy.

So, here we go again!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sunday Sunday

It's been a relatively productive weekend here in WhozatShrikeVille.

Yesterday, after napping the first few hours that Shrike was a work, I got a crazy notion to do some work around the house for a damn change.

I washed dishes, wiped down all the kitchen counters (a bigger job than one would think it ought to be), swept/vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor, moved clothes from the washer to dryer, put a load in the washer (including the kitchen tablecloth and floor mat) and ran them, and vacuumed the living room, hallway and bedroom.

What the hell?

It took a while but it looks great now. And, of course, I got all kinds of brownie points when Shrike got home.

Not that I did it for points, of course. Of course not.

Today, we went to the grocery store (saved about $30 at Weis, plus picked up several things at Aldi) and then over to a friend's house for dinner.

We had a great time - good food, good conversation, sweet kids, cute dog. I just hope we didn't keep them (and their kids) up too late!

Speaking of being up too late, I'd better get myself to bed soon, since I have my day 12 appointment with the dildo cam at 8:30 am.

That will tell us how many eggies are getting ready to launch, and when. We probably won't be sure just yet, but after the ultrasound, we should have a pretty good idea when we'll be doing ou next IUI. I'm thinking we'll probably be looking at Friday or so.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Photo Hunter #21: Two

You can see a bit of this photo of the two of us in the header, but here's the whole thing.

Saturday Special #19: Creative Adventure III

Time again to use your imagination. . . .

  1. You are driving down a lonely road at night when in front of you, you see a sign that says "Road Closed".
  2. You stop the car and get out to find a way around the big giant hole in the road.
  3. In the background you hear a loud growl, like some kind of wild animal.
  4. You return to your car and carefully make my way around the hole, and drive like hell, outta there.

Learn more about the Saturday Special.

Friday, August 17, 2007

End O' Week Wrap-Up

("Week in Review" was getting old.)

This week was a bit smoother at work, with a few less people complaining at me, and I'm feeling a little more like I know what's going on at the new place. So, that's good.

Today was our monthly meeting of all the directors, held at the center where I used to work. It was nice to see everyone over there again, and, hey, I got a prize!

At each monthly meeting, someone gets an award for "excellence." (The award itself is a stuffed animal, who is kind of a mascoty type.) And I got it this time. So that's kind of cool. Go me :-)

Yesterday, as you might have gathered, Shrike went to the aquarium (a couple of hours from here) with her mom, sister, niece and nephew.

They were originally planning to go to an amusement park, but it was raining in the morning, so they changed their plans.

Today, ED2 was talking about going to the very same amusement park with her family yesterday.

I asked, "Wasn't it raining?"

"A bit in the morning. Then it cleared up and was fine. But everyone else had stayed home, so there were no crowds!"

Sorry, Shrike.

And, speaking of my wife, she told me yesterday that she might like to guest blog here on occassion. I don't know what she's planning to write about, but I'm looking forward to it.

Anytime you're ready, honey, just let me know!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Shrike: Thursday Thirteen #24

Today's Thursday Thirteen is presented by Shrike - the first of what we hope will be a series of guest posts.

Thirteen Things Shrike Saw at the Aquarium Today
  1. Stingrays
  2. Sharks
  3. Bats
  4. Horseshoe crab
  5. Frogs
  6. Extremely cute dolphins
  7. Tortoise named Calypso, who has a missing flipper
  8. Baby cayman (see above)
  9. Sturgeon
  10. Hellbender
  11. Blue crawfish
  12. A variety of birds
  13. Miscellaneous mollusks
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Thursday Thirteen Blog Roll

Wordless Wednesday #22: Jammy Up!

Shrike gave me these lounge pants for Christmas and I've always gotten a kick out of them because they are just so, well, ridiculous.

I'm now declaring that, henceforth, they shall be known as my ironic jammy pants.

Learn more about Wordless Wednesday.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I'm Okay, Really

In addition to what they've each posted here, I've heard directly from both my sister and my mom today. They seem to be concerned by what I posted yesterday about feeling so overwhelmed.

So, I thought I ought reassure not only them, but all both my fans that, overall, I really am doing fine.

I'm not getting a damn thing done outside of work, and maybe I'm a bit hormonal, but in the grand scheme, I'm mostly okay.

I really think the overwhelmed feeling is primarily because there is only so much "me" to go around, and the majority of "me" is being used up by trying to learn this job and obsess over baby-making all at the same time.

The extra progesterone probably was not particularly helpful (nor will it be again in a couple of weeks).

To a large extent, though, I think that I just need to kick my own ass a bit and make myself do some stuff that's really not all that hard, after all (it takes, what, 2 minutes to empty the dishwasher?!) and get back into the habit of not being a lazy bum.

When I went back to work, I cut myself a lot of slack about other things, and let them slide. I think it's time to suck it up and realize that there's only so long I can milk "I've got a new job. It's hard. I'm tired. Whah whah whah."

I do like my sister's suggestion of trying to get out and walk the dogs with Shrike more often. We were talking about it this evening, and I think we're going to try to do that in the mornings, at least on the days that I go into work later.

It's exercise and sunshine and a chance for us to be together and to talk without some screen competing for our attention. It also means she wouldn't have to walk them alone, which I know is a challenge.

Also, now that I've sort of got my new work schedule figured out (more or less) I called and made us an appointment with Dr. T for August 27. I was hoping we could get in sooner, but her schedule and ours just didn't line up before that.

We've not seen her in a while (since before the last cycle began) so we've got quite a bit of catching up to do, in addition to talking about this and everything that's going on right now.

Maybe we should have made a two-hour appointment?

Congratulations!

Shrike's cousin and her partner had a big, beautiful baby boy last Friday morning.

Weighing in at 10 lbs 11 oz, he was born by C-section after five days of induction!

They got home yesterday and it sounds like everyone is doing well, all things considered.

Welcome to the family, little R. We can't wait to meet you in person!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Overwhelmed

That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately.

When I first went back to work at the end of April, it made sense that I was overwhelmed, what with getting used to actually getting up and going to work all day again, commuting an hour each way, meeting new people, learning a new job and so on.

Now, it makes sense that I'd be overwhelmed all over again, what with the new position, meeting all new people, learning new job functions, the increased responsibility, dealing with people complaining to me about things that happened before I got there and decisions someone else made, and all that.

The catch is, though, that I'm not overwhelmed again; I'm overwhelmed still.

I never got underwhelmed. Or regular-ass-whelmed. Or whatever.

Since I went back to work, I've not done a damn thing around the house, I've cooked maybe twice, I've fallen totally "off the wagon" about saving money, and I have been pretty generally useless, beyond going to work and coming home.

Oh, yeah, and that trying to make a baby thing. I guess that's probably a factor.

I was trying to explain this to Shrike - and to put it into words for myself - the other day, but I couldn't quite make sense of it.

It's not depression (been there, done that, this is different) it's just that, I guess, between the new job (and then the new new job) angst and the baby-making angst, and top it all off with a big dollop of hormones, it just feels like I don't have much energy - physical, psychological or otherwise - left for much of anything else.

Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of things that fall under that category of "anything else" that I really ought to be doing, but I just can't quite get it together for.

It feels like "Hey, I've got these two things I'm dealing with right now how dare you expect me to give a shit about x, y or z?"

But x, y, or z may well be something I've promised somebody I'd do (like a certain website that I've started on but have been stalled for a while), or may be necessary to the basic functioning of the household (like sink full of dishes or a stinky litter box) or getting out from in front of the computer for a few minutes to spend some quality time with Shrike.

The past three months have just felt like one long string of "I just can't deal with that right now," alternating with, "Oh shit, I've got to deal with that right now!"

At which point, I still don't necessarily deal with it. But I feel guilty about it.

So, you know, that's progress.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Manic Monday #1

Can't think of a damn thing to write about today, so I'm going the meme route. If I can remember, I might keep this one up on a weekly basis. It's 3 questions, each Monday.

  1. What would you like to accomplish this month?
    Get pregnant and stay that way
  2. How would people who knew you in high school describe you?
    A nerd
  3. What's your favorite meal of the day, and why?
    Snacks, because I generally have several of them!

Learn more about Manic Monday.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Week in Review

It's been a kind of crazy week, and lots of things have happened that I'd really love to blog about in detail, but probably shouldn't, for reasons of anonymity and/or professional discretion. However, I'll try to relate the gist of it.

As I've mentioned, I started the new and improved job, in NewWorkTown, on Monday. I suppose it's going okay, but I'm still trying to find my way around at the new center, and figure out how things are done there.

I've not had a chance to spend much time getting to know many of the teachers or students, but I have talked to several parents. We kind of had a run of folks that were less than happy about one thing or another (mostly unfounded and a little, um, crazy, in my opinion) so that's been rather stressful.

On the other hand, I also had a couple of really successful conferences, both in terms of sending folks home happy and in terms of the "sales" part of the job, so that was nice.

I even got singled out by BigBoss as a good example of how to promote the new special deal that we're offering (the one we introduced to the directors last Friday). That was kind of cool, but also a bit "Oh no! Now I just sound like the 'teacher's pet!'"

In the political realm, it's been a busy week, too. We had a big event for our county Democratic Party yesterday, and I was the main coordinator for it.

It went really well - beautiful weather, good turnout, great speakers (including our Governor), excellent press coverage (including me on TV!).

Meanwhile, of course, there was the definitively negative beta on Monday, a couple of days of spotting, and then I finally actually started the new cycle on Thursday.

That's not been too bad, except that yesterday, during setup and the first hour or two of the event, I was cramping something awful.

I don't know that the cramps were actually that much worse than usually, but definitely lasted longer and it was all intensified by being hot and sweaty, needing to eat (but feeling about half nauseated by the cramps) and having to be "on" and in charge and friendly and talking to people and so on.

I'm hoping folks just thought I was being really attentive to the speakers, sitting and listening instead of bopping all around, but one person (who is in on the whole story) did ask if I was feeling okay.

I finally remembered that I had some Tylenol with me and once that kicked in, I felt fine and very much enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.

I will refrain from going into much detail about anything else of a menstrual nature, but suffice it to say that, in addition to the cramps, I am reminded that this is not a typical period.

Nurse E had warned me to expect it to be more so than usual, primarily due to the prometrium that I was taking for 18 days, but beyond just the ick factor, that's still kind of hard.

Today was spent mostly laying around the house bitching about the fact that we were just laying around the house, and wanting to go do something fun, but having no idea what might be fun.

We finally managed to get dressed and go out to dinner; that was quite an accomplishment.

Now, back home and bored again. Shrike's watching something on tv that seems to involve screaming and perhaps shooting. I think I'll pass on that.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Saturday Special #18: This Past Week, Did You . . .

  1. Have anything exciting happen?
    Well, let's see. . . I started my new job (transfer, promotion, raise), talked to the Governor on the phone and saw him in person, and got started on Cycle #2. Nah, it's been a pretty typical week.
  2. Buy anything new (and I don't mean groceries)?
    No, I don't think I bought much of anything this week, other than gas and food.
  3. Go anywhere special?
    Work, at my new location.
  4. Discover a new restaurant?
    No, but there's an interesting looking place that's being built nearby and their "coming soon" sign just changed to "now hiring," so that's promising.

Learn more about the Saturday Special.

Photo Hunter #20: Row

Update: Here's the daytime photo. Much better.

These bottles are in a row on our kitchen windowsill. They are much prettier when the sun is coming through them, but it's nighttime, so what are ya gonna do?

Friday, August 10, 2007

Cycle Two

So, after a couple of days of iffiness, Cycle #2 "officially" started yesterday, and I had my day 3 (2) ultrasound today.

They were crazy-busy at the RE's office and I had to wait almost an hour to be seen. Once I got in, it when pretty quickly, as usual.

This time around, I have ten antral follicles: four on the right, six on the left.

Last month there were fifteen on day two (and one by day twelve) but my nurse said that ten is just fine.

I'll go back on Monday August 20 for another ultrasound, and we'll probably be looking at inseminating later than week.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Thursday Thirteen #23

Note: I started composing this post on Thursday, then I fell asleep on the couch. Sorry it's late!

Months ago, we said that we would not "name" any eggs or hypothetical egg-products before we knew if they existed.

Then the words "Zippy the Zygote" came out of my mouth, and it stuck.

Well, the name stuck. Zippy, not so much.

I can't imagine the we'll be able to resist doing that again, but we'll be hard-put to come up with a name as good as "Zippy."

But I'm trying. Hence . . .

13 Possible Z* Names for our Next Egg / Potential Zygote
  1. Zebulon
  2. Zenbio
  3. Zelindo
  4. Zundel
  5. Ze-ev
  6. Zlatan
  7. Zania
  8. Zylpha
  9. Zuzita
  10. Zelmira
  11. Zita
  12. Zayna
  13. Zonta
Thanks, BabyNamer.com!

*The alliteration is an absolute requirement.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Thursday Thirteen Blog Roll

Wordless Wednesday #21: Three Hundred

In honor of my 300th* post since beginning this blog in February, I wanted to illustrate what 300 of something looks like.

300* * Honey Roasted Peanuts

*Not counting the posts transferred from my old site, archives and other such stuff, all of which is labelled as pre-2007.

* * Seriously. I counted out 300 freakin' honey roasted peanuts. I'm not sure who's the bigger goober.

Learn more about Wordless Wednesday.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

World Breastfeeding Week: August 1 - 7

One of the things I look forward to most about having a baby is breastfeeding.

Although I've not yet joined the ranks of nursing moms, I already feel quite strongly about it and God help anyone who tried to get between my kid and my boob, when the time comes.

Unfortunately, too many women are not educated about the benefits of breastfeed or, if they plan to breastfeed, do not receive the support and guidance that they need to be successful.

The theme of this year's World Breastfeeding Week is Breastfeeding: The First Hour.

Initiation of breastfeeding within the 1st hour of birth is the first and most vital step towards reducing infant and under-five mortality, by reducing the overwhelmingly high neonatal mortality rate.

Save ONE million babies – beginning with one action, one hour support and one message: beginning breastfeeding within the 1st hour of birth!

World Breastfeeding Week is sponsored by the World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action (WABA), a global network of individuals and organisations concerned with the protection, promotion and support of breastfeeding worldwide.

Moving On

Well, that didn't take long. The last prometrium (progesterone) I took was yesterday morning, and the first dose that I skipped was last night. I'm spotting already.

I think we've decided not to wait a month to try again. I know that's probably not the most financially responsible move, but I think it's what we're going to do.

Assuming I get "full flow" today, I can get a "Day 3" ultrasound tomorrow, Thursday or Friday. (There's a bit of leeway in the definition of "3.")

If my cycle runs like last month, we'd be looking at inseminating around August 22 or so.

I just got off the phone with the sperm bank. It seems that BowTie has one unit of ICI prepared (intracervical - not washed) sperm available. Yea! It will be sent out to us tomorrow.

The ICI is cheaper than IUI (washed) and our RE's office re-washes even the IUI so there's no sense in paying the extra money for it.

(Unless, as last cycle, that's all that's available.)

This was $470, including courier delivery to the RE's office that's farther from us, but closer to the sperm bank, so they don't have to FedEx it.

That's significantly less than what we paid last time:

IUI Prep Sperm: $480
FedEx Shipping : $150
Upgrade to 14-day tank: $40
FedEx Return shipping when not used in June: $45
FedEx Re-shipping for July: $150
(Then couriered back to the other office)
Total: $865

So, here we go again!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Definitely "No" Now

Well, I had my follow-up beta today, and my HCG levels are now back down into the "negative" range.

Which is, of course, what we expected, but we're still bummed.

Nurse E (as opposed to Dr. E) confirmed that there's really nothing to be done differently in the future, other than hoping that the gametes that get together next time aren't duds.

She's double-checking with Dr. E on whether there's any medical reason to skip a month before trying again.

If there's not, we're considering throwing caution to the wind and going for it again immediately.

I know, I know, I know about about the short-term disability but we really don't want to wait.

Actually, it's kind of funny, as much as I don't want to wait, I was resigned to it, until I found out how eager Shrike is to jump back on the horse and give it another shot.

So, we've not made a definite decision on that yet, but we're mulling it over.

She's pointed out that there's little we could do that would guarantee success more than trying in a month in which getting lucky would cost us an extra couple thousand dollars!

A Favor, Please

Dear Adam, the Spammer-Guy:
(If that is, in fact, your name. I mean, really, couldn't you think of something more, I don't know, original?)

I really do enjoy your helpful employment tips, and I do understand your need to post them as frequently as possible, seeing as you get paid for typing (. . . spam comments on my blog) and I'm sure it takes a lot of typing to afford all those plane tickets.

But, please, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate if you'd show a little class and save them for some of my, oh, I dunno, less emotional and angsty posts.

Maybe something about a stinky dog or a cheesy casserole or even a photo of a flower.

Thanks ever so much,
Whozat, the maaaaaybe but almost definitely not pregnant - and, yet, somehow still a little bit incredibly crazy and emotional - lady chick dyke.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Keeping Things in Perspective

We're still hoping, of course, to be pleasantly surprised by tomorrow's beta, but we assume that what we'll actually see is that my HCG has dropped since Friday, confirming that although I was, evidently, technically pregnant for a few days there, I no longer am.

It is, as I said before, a weird feeling.

The amazement at having managed to have gotten even "a little bit pregnant" on our first try actually comes close to (but, unfortunately, still falls short of) overshadowing the disappointment of not being completely successful, and the sadness of knowing that there was a "Zippy" for a while there, but there isn't anymore.

That part is kind of odd, though, because we certainly are sad about it, but we're not devasted, as I might have expected.

I think the most important factor is that we had already gotten the negative result on the pee stick on Thursday, before getting the iffy result on the blood test on Friday.

So, we went from hoping we were pregnant, to thinking that we weren't to finding out that we had been and there's a tiny, tiny chance we might still be.

That is so much better than if we'd gone from thinking that we were pregnant to finding out that there was almost no hope that we actually still were.

We certainly feel a loss, but it's a loss of something that we never knew we had.

I know that is infinitely different from what it might have been if we'd gotten a positive result and thought things were going well for several days - or weeks - or months - before things went wrong.

I know people who've been through that, and I can't even begin to fathom that pain.

I almost feel that I don't deserve to feel sad about this, because it just totally pales in comparison to what they've been through.

As pregnancy loss goes, what we (assume) we are experiencing is about as mild as it gets, but it makes the possibility real for us.

Having been through even this, I find myself much more aware of the potential for an unhappy outcome.

It is easy to think that "bad things" happen to "other people" but this reminds me that everybody thinks that, until it happens to them. After all, someody has to be the "other people."

I know that, when we do get a good, solid positive result - and I know that we will, whether that is on our next attempt or several months from now - our joy and our excitement will certainly be tempered by uncertainty, much more so then they would have been, otherwise.

I know that I will view a positive first beta as just "a good sign" and certainly no kind of guarantee. I'm sure I'll get a bit more optimistic with each successive beta, as my HCG levels double as expected, and even more after ultrasounds confirm that all is well, and might actually relax a bit more after the first trimester, but I'm sure I will always be worried.

Here are a couple of statistics that I've come across during my research over the past couple of days:

  • As many as 80% of women will (whether they realize it or not) experience a chemical pregnancy at some time during their reproductive years.
  • 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.
Actually, both Shrike and I found that second statistic oddly comforting, perhaps because it was phrased in terms of "first pregnancies."

Who knows, maybe the statistic is the same for all pregnancies, but since it only says "first pregnancies," I guess it gives us the impression that the next time we get egg and sperm together, our odds of having them "stick" will be better.

Shrike laughed at me when I told her, but what my gut reaction to that statistic reminds me of the most is this:

When I played softball as a kid, the players in the dugout would cheer and shout encouragement to the batter.

After the first strike of an at-bat, we'd always say, "Ok, now you're ready, now you're ready!"

That's how it feels.

We've got (or soon will have) our "first pregnancy" behind us (wow, that feels really freaky to say), we've done our time on the "bad side" of the odds, and now we're ready to move on.

To stretch my softball analogy a bit more, (God, what a dyke!) it's like we connected on the first pitch, but popped it foul.

With one strike against us, we're warmed up, we've got a feel for the pitcher, and now we're ready to swing for the fences.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Being Philosophical

Last night, Shrike and I were talking about the whole limbo in which we find ourselves, after yesterday's beta results.

I was talking about the fact that, if something has gone wrong or is going wrong, it's most likely because something was wrong with Zippy from the beginning.

We were, of course, agreeing that if that's the case, we'd much rather things end at this point than later, or than to not end at all, but there be something horribly wrong.

Shrike got very serious for a moment, looked at me and said, "Yeah, I mean, what if it was . . . a Republican!"

Photo Hunter #19: Funky


BigGaloot has a bo-bo foot and isn't allowed to lick it. Thus the lampshade satellite dish Elizabethan collar.



More Photos

Friday, August 3, 2007

Not Quite "No" Yet

When I stopped at my RE's office this morning to have my blood drawn for the "official" pregnancy test, I 'fessed up to the girl taking it that I'd "cheated" and done a home test yesterday, which was negative.

When my nurse finally called, around 3 pm, with the results, I asked her "Did the girl who stuck me rat me out?" and proceeded to tell her that I'd already tested, "So, I guess you're just calling to confirm what I already know."

"Well," she said, "The thing is . . . ."

It seems that my HCG level is "really, really low" (14.5, I believe, is what she said) but still technically in the positive range (above 5) - but too low to have had enough in my urine for the pee stick to pick up.

According to Dr. Google, "At 15 DPO, the average HCG level is 59 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-147 mIU/ml."

I asked if it was possible that it was remnants of the triggering shot and she said that it would not still be around at this point (16 days after the shot).

Of course, my next questions was, "What are the chances that this ends well?"

She said "It's been known to happen. Occassionally numbers that start that low end up as a viable pregnancy. But not usually."

So, the verdict (such as it is) is that little Zippy the Zygote evidently did get made, and evidently did implant (Dr. Google also tells me that the HCG doesn't start being produced until implantation), but either something has gone wrong or is in the process of going wrong.

(Most likely, of course, because something was very wrong with Zippy to begin with.)

So, I will have another blood test on Monday, to find out if the number goes up or down - and how much. What we'd like very much to see is for it to at least double by then (and continue to double every couple of days), but no one is expecting that.

If it goes down, we know that it's over and if it only goes up a bit, well, hell, I don't know exactly what that means, but it's definitely not a good sign.

In the meantime, she said to be "cautiously optimistic," but I'm a lot more cautious than I am optimistic. I'm going on the assumption that we're just delaying the confirmation of the "no."

She also said to continue to "behave as if" until we know otherwise, for sure.

"So," I asked, "In other words, I can't go out and get drunk tonight, like I'd planned?"

"That's right. And keep taking the prometrium."

At some point in the conversation, she said, "Leave it to me to give you half-assed answer."

To which I replied, "And leave it to me to have a million more questions."

While I certainly hope that we'll be very pleasantly surprised on Monday, I'm really not holding out any hope that we will. If that distinction makes sense.

It's all a wierd weird kind of feeling, which I'm still trying to process.

First, I'm still glad that we tested yesterday, because Shrike and I were able to be together, and because I was able to be "present" at work today, which I really needed to do.

Also, because having already seen the negative test, this "non-news" was actually better news than I'd expected, rather than just being bad news.

Mostly, I'm really, really, really glad that the pee stick didn't pick up that tiny bit of HCG, though. Today's call would have been totally different if it had come on the heels of a positive home test, rather than a negative one.

And, if something had to go wrong, I'm so glad that it happened before I found out that anything was going right, not after or - God forbid - well after.

As to what I'm feeling now, while there's still the teeny-tiny glimmer of hope, it's awful teeny-tiny and it's awful dim, and I'm going on the assumption that Zippy is no more, and my HCG levels are on their way back down to the "negative" range.

On the one hand, the thought that Zippy actually was for a few days, and now isn't is kind of sadder than the thought that Zippy was a figment of my imagination all along, but on the other hand, I'm taking it as a good sign that we were able to make a Zippy at all.

Regardless of how this cycle turns out (and we're pretty sure we know how it turns out), the fact is that - on our first attempt - I did conceive and, however briefly, I was pregnant.

(Albeit, mostly like a "chemical pregnancy" - one that makes it far enough for a positive test, but not far enough to confirm "clinically" with an ultrasound.)

That's a little freaky to think about, given how surreal and hypothetical is all seems.

Mostly, though, it gives me hope of being able to do it again, with a better outcome.

On a somewhat related note, I had a really vivid dream this morning in which I was feeding and playing with a baby who, evidently, was ours.

It was a boy, somewhere in the six-month-old range, with dark hair and that "Gerber Baby" look about him. He was a very happy little guy, sitting in a highchair and giggling while I fed him. Several unidentified friends were there, and they were passing him around and playing with him, too.

Later, I was in a hospital bed. I wasn't sick or anything, but we were talking about what it would be like later, when I was in labor because, although I was holding the baby, and he was several months old, I hadn't actually had him yet. That was wierd.

I certainly don't think there was any "meaning" to it, other than the fact that I'm thinking about babies alot, but I thought I'd share, because it really struck me how vivid it was and how I could see exactly what he looked like and everything. And because the ending was kind of bizarre.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Thursday Thirteen #22


Looking on the bright side . . . .

13 Things That I Can Do Over the Next Six Weeks, Since Starting Tuesday, Assuming I'm Neither Pregnant, Nor Waiting to Find Out if I'm Pregnant

  1. Have a glass of wine (or three) with dinner.
  2. Have a cup of coffee (or three) with breakfast.
  3. Have a coffee and KahlĂșa for dessert (the best of both worlds).
  4. Take a long, hot bubble bath
  5. Have x-rays. (My dental insurance is also effective August 1.)
  6. Have the good drugs when we fix whatever scary things the dentist finds going on in my mouth.
  7. Stop taking the progesterone "hoo-ha bullets."
  8. Not curl into a ball to protect my groin every time BigGaloot jumps in the bed.
  9. Change the litter box.
  10. Bungee jump. (Ok, I didn't say I will do these things, just that I can. That applies to #9, as well.)
  11. Not obsess over how many cells a hypothetical zygote might be at the moment.
  12. Concentrate on learning my new job, rather than running back and forth to the RE's office.
  13. Wonder how long it will be and how many tries it will take before I am pregnant.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

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Negative

As I might have mentioned (a time or two) I'm scheduled for an "official" pregnancy test tomorrow.

I just couldn't contain myself, though, and I did a home test this morning (when Shrike could be with me), which was was negative. As I expected.

We are, of course, disappointed, but not devasated.

We knew that it wasn't realistic to expect it to work on the first try. Hell, that rarely happens, even in the most optimal of circumstances - and our circumstances are certainly less than optimal.

I'm glad we went ahead and tested, though, because I would much rather get disappointing news at home, with Shrike by my side, than at work tomorrow.

It's going to be a crazy enough work day as it is (being my last day in this location, being part of a big presentation to all the directors about a new promotion we're starting, having my evaluation with Director and ED2, and so on) without the wondering hanging over my head.

I really think it's better that I know, and I'll just be waiting for official confirmation from the blood test tomorrow, not waiting to find out.

Also, I'm definitely starting to cramp (wasn't sure yesterday if that was my imagination or not) so I'd just as soon know that it is what I think it is, and be prepared for it.

I'd much rather find out by seeing a negative sign on a stick than by seeing blood in the bathroom.

Which I fully expect to see any moment now. Or certainly by the end of the weekend, once I stop taking the progesterone after the official test tomorrow.

Although we're disappointed, in the long-run, it's probably for the best that it didn't work out this time. (At least that's what we're telling ourselves.)

We've pretty much decided that we're going to skip a month before trying again, because I just became eligible for short-term disability insurance at work (effective 8/1/07) and it does not cover maternity leave if you deliver within 10 months (6/1/08) of the effective date.

Waiting until September to get pregnant would put me due in June, and make me eligible for enough money to pretty much cover the mortgage (which usually comes out of my salary) for six weeks (eight, in the case of a C-section). That could make the difference in being able to take off six weeks or twelve.

And, we still have a few days left in the month of June on which there are no family birthdays, so maybe we'll be able to fill in one of those. (Already covered: June 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 17.)

Waiting would also give me a month or so to get settled in my new job without having to make a bunch of trips over to OldWorkTown, which is about 45 minutes from NewWorkTown.

(Not that I would have minded those trips, of course, had they been for ultrasounds, if the test results had been different.)

We're trying to stay philosophical about it. We've been disappointed in other things before, which have ended up turning out for the best, and we've always told ourselves that things will work out as they are supposed to.

We'll get the baby we're supposed to have, when we're supposed to have it, and when it happens, we won't be able to imagine it having been any different.

We just really wish it had been supposed to happen now.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Legal Again

My drivers license expired on May 12, the day after my birthday. For two and a half months, I've been putting off renewing it because, well, I really don't quite know why.

My various excuses have included "I don't know when they are open" and "I don't have time before work" and "It takes soooo loooong."

Before we went to Texas in early July, Shrike convinced me that I should at least pay for the new license online, so I could get the temporary paper to make it legal, in case I got hassled at the airport for it being expired.

(Oh, yeah, and looking nothing like me, because I've lost 200 lbs since the photo was taken.)

I did that, and shortly after we got home, I received the camera card to take to the photo license center.

I've still been putting it off, even after the (out-of-)state trooper who stopped me the other day pointed out that the temporary license had expired on July 15 (but did not ticket me for that - just for speeding).

Finally, I decided I'd better deal with it.

I opened the envelope with the camera card and found out that there's also a paper in there with the days and times that every photo license center in the state (one per county) is open. Oh.

They open at 8:30 am. I needed to be on the road to work by 9:30 this morning, so I figured if I got there right when they opened, I might be okay.

I ended up getting there more like 8:45, but as it turned out there was no line at all.

I literally walked right up to the counter, gave the guy my card and old license, answered a few questions on the computer (English, please. Organ donor - yes. Change voter registration - hell, no.) and smiled pretty for the camera.

The only waiting I did was while the license was actually being printed. I was in and out in under ten minutes.

I waited two and a half months for that?

What a dumb ass.

Wordless Wednesday #20: Mug Shot

This is the photo from my new drivers license. Learn more about Wordless Wednesday.